I sat there thinking," If I take another shower I can drown out the noise. I can get some type of sweet release, even if it isn't the exact form I'd like it in. And I swear there is a blade somewhere I can pull apart without anyone noticing it's absence. But most of all, I need to drown out the noise."
The noise is torture. It is filling me up inside, make me feel like I could spontaneously combust at any moment, and snap mentally. It isn't even a static noise of loneliness anymore, it is thoughts and urges and feelings and desires, and a million other things that stress me out and cause me to consistently think about wanting to end it all. That is all I seem to think about anymore. I even made a list. A list of people to make letters to, a list of things to give back to people, and things I would need to make sure i had done before I go. There are so many ways to go. There is the guns right a few feet from me, there are the pills, even though that was a long shot last time, there's the razors in my make up bag. I have so many options but I am not even sure which would be the easiest to clean up. Even the pills could get things a little messy. And I would have to make sure Little T wouldn't find me. I couldn't do that to a Ten year old. She doesn't deserve that. No one does honestly.
This is why I am constantly taking showers too much again. My hair is going to dry out and people might get a little suspicious, but fuck them honestly. If I need burning hot water drenching me to pull myself out of these consuming thoughts then that is what I will fucking do. And I should probably talk to the Therapist about this. Who knows. I apparently am a conundrum to her. She can't understand what 17 year old goes through all of these things when I am not a particularly horrible person in her opinion. I also should talk to Her. She knows that I'm down, probably more so now that she read some of these. I hope she doesn't read this one until I talk to her, because I don't want her mad at me. I need her to hold me and to do the things she does to drown out the noise in her own way. when she touches me its like the sound fades ever so slightly to where it's bearable again. And she used to be an anchor in some ways when my best friend couldn't, like calming me down from a panic attack even when she didn't know I was having one, or helping me stay clam when I was angry or upset. I don't know if she will even do those things automatically anymore. I am scared she is going to just up and leave, and I will be left alone again with the thoughts bouncing around in my brain like molecules in a gas, flying around so fast you can't grasp one and focus. Its a constant panic of words and thoughts and feelings that I can't get into order and file away like I have for years. I have only ever gotten like this once, and I snapped then. And we all know what happened then; everyone knew I was a broken piece of shit who isn't strong enough even though I put quite a show on portraying I am capable of anything, even though I cry myself to sleep every single night begging anything in the universe for help. I am not strong, I am not good, I am not capable, and I am barely surviving. I can't do this anymore. I need another shower.
