Some people think that everything happens for a reason. That a school shooting was because those kids were supposed to go to Heaven, and that the pain and loss the parents feel is to help them somewhere in their dimly lit future.
I believe some things happen for a reason. I think that addicts go through that horrible, lonely time in their life, and that some make it out of it, and become clean so they can help other through the same tribulations. So they aren't so quick to judge others, and are more understanding with some situations, because they have gone through it themselves. I think that the girl who spilt her coffee on a stranger is supposed to be heartbroken by him three months later and then realizes he was abusive and toxic. Because of that, she knows what type of behavior to look for in other relationships so that doesn't happen again. She went through that so she can be happier and more aware. I don't believe that kids are killed for a reason. I do not believe that women have miscarriages for a reason. I believe some instances are for a reason that will help later in life.
I think that sometimes horrible things happen for no reason, just because there is evil in the world no one can conquer, and no one can fix. I do believe some horrible things have a ripple effect, but they aren't the reason for something else.
I know that my mom has been down for most of my life for a reason. So I could learn how to be independent and how to care for others before myself. It taught me to be unselfish and thoughtful. It taught me how to take care of kids and how to run a house before the age of fourteen. It also taught me to forgive. I was able to forgive my mother for not being at concerts and for missing birthdays as a kid. I can also forgive myself for being so angry all the time. I haven't considered myself a happy person for quite awhile. It hasn't been something I thought I could ever be in this house that I could run but never felt home in. I didn't feel as though I was a sister or a mother, or even a daughter, it kind of fell in the middle of it all, and I never got a clear understanding of what the name of my role was. All I knew was that I played the role of caretaker but never was treated as such. I knew I played the role as the disciplinarian, but only to an extent. I know I took care of a household, but I was never treated as anything more than an occupant in the house. I do believe that all of that was for a reason, and maybe I don't know the actual reason yet. But I know there was a purpose for it. I do know that I learned to not categorize myself in one word, for I have multiple qualities that make me who I am.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a mother figure.
I am gay.
I am me.
And maybe the reason is to show to not think that my fate is this role forever. Maybe it is to show me to not let myself put my life aside again completely, and to make room for the things I enjoy, not just making everyone else happy. I need to be happy to, and maybe this is the first step to achieving that.
