I need to try harder. I'm not trying hard enough. I need to try to be better with how I look and my weight. I looked in the mirror today, and minus being sick, I looked horrible. I hate my face, how one side of my nose slants more than the other side. I hate how no matter what I do I look like I haven't slept in eight days, which is how I feel, but make up should at least cover the indentions of where the bags under my eyes have lived like leeches for years now. I don't remember the last time I woke up without those crescent shapes lining the bottom of my eyes. It's like they're physical reminders of not remembering the last time I woke up and was happy. I have been trying, I have been trying so damn hard to be perfect, at least in some aspect. I'm not one of those dreamers who thinks they can be perfect in everyway, but I do know some people seem perfect, and that is almost enough sometimes. I want to to feel accepted, and happy and wanted. I want someone to look at me and not see all the gross flaws about me, but to see the tiny good things, if they're still there. I want someone to show me they mean it, and not have it seem as though they are obligated to say it. But that's my fault, because I don't try hard enough to be beautiful or approachable or even decent. I don't do enough to make my appearance look well enough to be seen by people. I just am not good enough in general. I'll fix it though. I'll eat less and do my make up better and leave my hair down and never wear baggy sweatshirts. I'll laugh quietly because my laugh is horrendous, I'll smile without teeth because of the crowding. I'll not talk as much and I'll do more to help. I don't think I help enough either. I don't do enough for people. I've been selfish with my time, I have been less talkative, which is a side affect of me shutting down, which isn't an excuse because my breakdowns aren't something that makes the world slow down so I can catch up. I don't have time for a break. I have jobs to do. I have people to care for and to check in on. I need to work harder on that. I'm not being good about anything. I need to try harder.
