I slipped up and opened my mouth about my feelings. Oops, I don't know how that happened. I think I was trying to prove a point and just didn't realize what I had said until it was out of my regretful mouth. I would've traded quite a bit to rewind that moment and rephrase that as to show as if it was nothing. As in my heart was nothing, Because in all honesty, I don't feel deserving of her beautiful, captivating smile that's bordered by her perfect lips. So I can't believe that my heart means anything in this situation anymore. I don't want it to. Because that means I am emotionally invested still, and I can't let that show. I can't show my feelings anymore. I have to go back to that middle school, walls up, completely logical side again. no more open, heartfelt side of me anymore. No more overly caring, concerned side. I have to just be, well, who I was. I grew when she came around. Or well, I became who I wanted to be, or a version of that. I wanted to be as perfect as I could for her, but I wasn't able to be that. Not enough of perfection for her in my opinion anyway. So I will go back into my shell and we will see how that goes. Because this version of me isn't working obviously. And honestly, It is quite exhausting. Like who can act this happy all of the time? It's killing me faster than my own thoughts are. And those are doing some great work at hollowing me out and making me this empty shell that was deserted years ago and the cobwebs weaved of sadness and loneliness are finally so noticeable they are covering every inch of my insides, along with the dust that used to be my motivation and joy, lost for so long they turned to dust and blew everywhere every time I took a drag of my cigarette and let the smoke suffocate the kid inside of me, whilst letting the toxic air into my lungs, causing the fire full of hatred and anger to grow bigger and hotter, burning up anything deemed precious and sweet that is special and unique. I am empty and sure as hell not deserving. Not of her.
