It was fine. The first few hours of the day were fine. I think I lasted about six hours without that feeling, and without having those images run across my head with the words that accompanies them floating above like a damn subtitle bar, because hey, I want to be able to remember the exact words right? It's not like the humiliating memories aren't already burned into my brain like a cattle prod pushed into a pound of flesh, possibly the same one I try lose when I push that shining piece of metal into my thigh, and as much blood as I spill I can't seem to bleed out my feelings and thoughts. I should know that by now, but I seem to remember that tiny fact only as long as I keep it put away. Which is becoming harder and harder to do.
I saw one of them today. I thought I had healed enough of myself to not run, and to not avoid them. I know it isn't like how it was before. I know I am better than what they think of me, especially now. I used to be unaccepting of myself. And most of the time, I still can be. But I know I can be better than that. I know I can look in the mirror in the morning and smile every once in awhile, because I see a couple freckles that look darker and make me happy, or because my eyes are bright.
I don't want to keep having indentions of my nails in my palms like I did today after I saw her face. I could feel my stomach going back to how it did before for years. I had to keep myself in that truck, because some people say you should do one thing that scares you each day. I think doing that counts for about a week. Hannah was there, and somehow she put it together without much being said, but then again that girl is one of the smartest, and the biggest smart ass, person I know. But that is for the next part, because she is too special to be put into one with all of this. She knew it upset me, but she did her best to fix it. And that meant more to me, and left a bigger impact on me than those flashbacks did. And that is saying something since there hasn't been a single person to change the subject on the forefront of my mind for a long period of time until now. And that is something amazing. Thank you Hannah, for not letting me sink back into that black pool of memories. I'll always need you, and I'll always love you.
