I'm done.
I can't take this anymore. The constant feeling of worthlessness. Knowing no matter what I do I'll never be good enough. I got that tattoo to remind myself everyday that I am good enough. But I don't believe that anymore. I'm a fucked up failure who won't amount to anything. Right dad? That's what you've driven into my head for years. Maybe I'll finally listen to you and fix it. Ill leave. And won't come back. Id be better off gone anyway. They'd be mad, sure. They'd hate me and never forgive me, but I'd be dead anyways, so I wouldn't know the difference. I'd miss them. And they don't deserve this, but neither do I. I have taken this for years and I've pushed for so long, I just can't anymore. I'll wait until it's an opportunistic time. I wouldn't just do it to where my siblings or mom could find me. Id rather a stranger find me. I wouldn't want them to see me like that. I wish i would've died years ago so maybe tessa would be young enough to believe i just left. I don't say I wish I died years ago for the sake of being dead, only for it being easier for her and joe. Im grateful for the life i had, as screwed up and shitty it was, for I got to have kids and learn to not think of myself before them. I may have gone without a childhood from the age of 11-12, but i loved making those kids smile and laugh and know that they were loved everyday. I loved reading to them and putting them to bed and making their lunches and getting them off to school. I loved moving them to their beds because they fell asleep somewhere else. I love them. Even after im dead ill love them. Because they're what make me who i am. Mom keeps saying i would be a good mom. I guess she doesn't see that i already am. I'm not stupid, i know they aren't truly mine. But i do know that I did my best raising them and thats all i could do. But now, for once, im gonna do something for me. Im going to do myself a favor and leave. Im going to save myself, even if it hurts others. Because I've been hurting long enough. Its time i stopped don't you think?
Stop hurting
Stop pushing my feelings away
Stop crying
Stop everything i can to fix this.
Fix me.
I know an easy out. That's the cowards way out i guess. But hey, at least for once he will be right about me. That im a quitter. Because I am quitting.
Im done.
