New Kid on the Block *h.s [completed]

Chapter 99

I lie in my bed, awake but not really there. I don't really know how long I've been staring at the wall, just that... it's been a while.

I don't have school today, but Carter does, and of course my parents are at work. This time it's a good thing I guess, this way they can't yell at me to get up. I can just stay in here and be frozen, it's what I know how to do best.

Every time I close my eyes, it's like I'm back underwater. I know it's dumb and I know people probably think I'm just over reacting, but it was my deepest, darkest fear coming true. Yes, the water was shallow compared to some. Yes, Harry was only about a couple hundred feet away. Yes, there were trained teachers nearby but the experience in itself was absolutely terrifying.

It's something I've hoped would never happen in my entire life, and it did. It shakes you to your bones, you don't know how to come back from that.

The chime of the doorbell ringing breaks me, unfortunately, from my thoughts. I stand up for the first time today, not even reacting to how the floor seems to sway underneath me. It's been doing that a lot lately. I keep myself wrapped up in my comforter as I walk past my phone and where it lays on the bedside table.

I haven't even talked with Maddie and Ashton about the whole fiasco yet. I came home yesterday and explained it all to my parents, and then I was told to go to bed, to which I happily obliged. Carter came in a short while later with a bowl of warm chicken soup and a handful of movies.

We watched them on my laptop until he had to start on his homework and I was half asleep. Bugs Bunny was only making half sense to me, and Daffy Duck looked far too out of proportion through my rolling eyes.

I stayed like that all the way until morning. I was completely and utterly exhausted- physically, from trying to escape the water, and mentally, from the wheels my brain wouldn't stop turning.

I drag myself down the stairs and open the front door, still wearing my comforter across my shoulders. I don't even give a second thought to who could possibly be behind it, I just robotically turn the knob and put on my best bitchy face, in hopes that whoever it is, will just say their speech about whatever they're trying to sell and move along.

Harry stands on the opposite side of the house and when my eyes meet his, I lose it. I break down instantly, clasping a hand to my mouth, not that it does anything to muffle the sobs screaming from my lips. I blink once and tears literally pour from my eyes, bucketfuls at a time.

Harry rushes forward, grabbing me in his arms before I crash to the ground. He presses one hand to my back as my head collides with his chest, and I hear the faint click of the front door locking closed.

I bawl into his shirt, the only layer on his top half now that the weather is fairly warm. I get an inkling somewhere deep inside me that this is wrong- he's not the person I should be crying into, but he's the only one I think I truly can.

We're connected now in this way of danger and safety, the fine line between. Hysteria is a funny thing.

Harry just wraps his arms around my shoulders and I feel him rest his chin atop the crown of my head. I cry, and he lets me. He doesn't say anything.

Our embrace reminds me of when he came to the hospital while Carter had pneumonia, how he mumbled comforting words to me just outside the waiting room. Against those plain, white walls and the suffocation of so many floors in one building.

A part of me likes to think of that day as the beginning of us, although thats debatable, and coincidental.

This train of thought travels a bit further into memory town and I guess that I've stepped into Carter's shoes with this current situation of mine. The only difference is, my little brother can actually swim.

Harry pulls his arms away from me, and I gasp slightly at the gust of room temperature air that hits me. My face is exposed to the elements again, not protected by the heat of his body anymore, and it reminds me of the chill of the water.

He steers me into the living room by my shoulders, keeping his mouth sewn shut. I allow him to, my brain is too much of a mess to even control my own thoughts. I don't know if I want to hear anything he has to say.

I curl myself up into my favourite corner chair, spreading my comforter over me again. It had fallen off my body with my heaving sobs and cries of angst, but a particular curly haired boy picked it up for me.

We sit in silence for a few minutes- it seems to be something we've been doing a lot lately- and then I speak for the first time. My voice is dry and raspy and it doesn't sound like my own, but I continue anyway.

"I feel stupid, acting like this." I reveal, and ignore Harry's surprised eyes.

"What happened wasn't really a big deal, there's lots of people in the world who can't swim. It was a small lake, it wasn't like you threw me into the Pacific Ocean." I notice how he cringes when I mention him throwing me, but I ignore that too.

"I can't stop crying and thinking about it. It's still so terrifying even though now I've lived through and survived my worst fear- and it's not even that bad to begin with. It's like I can't get over the fact that it happened and I should be able to, so many people go through things much more terrible and they still come out on the brighter side." I finish, inhaling a deep breathe.

I think that's what I needed to do. Tell someone what my brain is telling me. I was never really angry at Harry, even though he's the one who threw me in. I think I'm just angry at myself, for being weaker than I should be.

Harry moves from the couch he previously sat on to the edge of the wooden coffee table, placing his elbows on the caps of his knees and a hand on my blanket-covered foot.

I look him in the eyes for the second time today but now I don't feel the urge to cry. I feel an urge to listen, and perhaps learn from what he has to say.

"Whatever you feel is valid, okay? Even if it feels like the most inappropriate response, it's what your brain and your body is telling you to emote, and that is valid. Everything that you just said to me now, is valid. You walking around with your pyjamas on and your blanket hugged around you, is valid. The horror and terror you still feel when you think of large bodies of water, is valid. Your fear is valid, you are valid."

I feel as if he's my therapist, like Sigmund Freud and all his patients. I know that everything he's saying is true, now it's just a matter of convincing myself and instilling my belief in his 17 year old wisdom.

Harry continues on. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done it. You, you could have drowned.", his voice cracks and then drops to whisper, and I wish that I wasn't sitting down so that I could wrap my arms around him the same way he does to me.

Instead, I reach out to put a hand on his hand, the same one that still clutches my foot in it's grasp. Together again we sit in silence. I think about what he means to me, and I hope that he's doing the same. 

this is late but merry christmas to all of you who celebrate and if you dont, then i hope you had a great day regardless and y'all got everything you wanted in your stockings <3