Never Heard

14.

04th December 2017

Ah! Winter, the season where there is more fake happiness and empty wishes than in any other season. Sickening.

I ran home, I ran through the streets under the lights. Tears streamed down my face; made my vision blurry but that didn't stop me from running. I had to run, I don't belong with them. None of them care. At that moment I was just done, I was tired of constantly trying to fit in and make an impression of the happy me.

I was broken and you were the reason for it.

Few hours before

I was simply getting ready with Vicky and Emily to go to the park and meet with the guys. I wasn't feeling well to begin with, like I felt as if the entire weight of the world was on my shoulders and I couldn't get rid of it. However, I couldn't really say that I didn't want to go since the two of them insisted on me going and said it would be healthy for me to leave the house from time to time.

"Look Lou, it's going to be good for you to make new friends." Advised me Emily, I knew that she cared about my well being a lot and wanted me to be happy but that's not exactly how I pictured myself being happy. She came up close to me and gave me a hug. For that small second I felt safe and calm. I had to brace myself for what was about to come.

We walked along the road making our way to the park. Vicky smoked her cigarette and talked about Thomas. The burnt edge let out a small light and highlighted her cheeks. I walked next to them and gave my opinions about everything they talked about.

As soon as we reached the park we walked towards our usual meeting spot and greeted with our 'new friends'. Nothing changed to be honest, same old things: Lee was bullied by Alex and Thomas, Bruce was talking with Emily and Vicky, Greg was with Joe and Noah and Jay was on his phone. I just sat there alone watching and listening to their conversations. I felt lonely, as if I didn't belong there. All of these people knew each other and what their interests were, while on the other end there was me who didn't really talk or get along with anyone. Not that I didn't like them because I did, a lot. I just couldn't bring myself to open up in front of them. It was always hard for me to get comfortable around people and it usually took me time to open up.

"Let's go trap house?" Suggested Bruce, the little shed that we found in the forest was now called the 'trap house' nobody really knew why but it suited it perfectly. The shed became our meeting and drinking spot from that point onward.

Greg said that he will meet Bruce, Vicky, Emily, Thomas and I later with the rest of the guys. Which meant that I had to third wheel or more like fifth wheel since Emily had a thing with Thomas and Vicky had a thing with Bruce.

Great.

What a fucking prefect way to just make me suffer even more.

I know what you're thinking 'Oh boo hoo Lou! You could've stayed with Jay and the rest... stop being such a drama queen.' And trust me I could but unfortunately Emily said to go with her so that she wouldn't be worried about me so I literally had no other choice.

I was already on the verge of crying. Just looking at their happiness and my sorrow was the cherry on top of everything. "Lou, why didn't you take Jay with you?" Asked Vicky, I looked at the ground and tried to swallow the little ball that I had in my throat. "Why would I? It would just be boring for him so it's good that he stayed with Alex and the rest." I answered, I looked up at Bruce who was already looking down at me. A glimpse of worry filled his eyes. He didn't say anything though, he just looked at me. His eyes said a thousand words, they were different though.

Bruce possessed a pair of light brown eyes, almost hazel. They were filled with love and compassion, I could read right through them. However, Jays eyes were dark and mysterious; no matter how long I looked at them I wouldn't get anything. It's almost as if he protected himself with a barrier of steel.

I looked away from him and in front of me. Now I was about to cry. I thought he was going to say something or comfort me but he just looked at me.

None of them truly cared.

That was when I realized that I was closer to my house and as soon as I felt that small tear escape my eye. I dashed home. No explanation, nothing. I just ran.

The wind hitting my body and ruffling my hair, the tears running down and staining my cheeks, vision blurry but I'm still running. Until I got inside of my house.

I took off my shoes and immediately ran upstairs to my room; locked the door and took my clothes off. I took a grasp of my sharpener and unscrewed the razor blade. The cold metal rested in between my finger tips and above my left hip.

Tears still flowing down my cheeks almost like a river. A river full of sorrow.

For a split second I was ready to slit my skin once again. I was ready to decorate my hip with long red cuts. At the last second though, Isai popped in my mind and I couldn't bring myself to do it anymore. I let go of the blade and let it fall on the bedsheets. My back was rested on my wall and I leaned my head back looking up at the ceiling. The cold air hitting my fragile skin and my eyes wandered around the white surface and my fingers got tangled in my hair. I was breathing but every breath felt like a stab in the heart.

Why am I like this? I wanna be happy...

Save me!