Never Heard

51.

17th July 2018

Sometimes, we do things or agree on things that don't really have the best outcome and yes, what I'm about to tell you is a mistake I've done. I may not be proud of it but I had to do it for the greater good, after all we should not force ourselves to be someone or do things just to satisfy somebody else. We must do things that make US happy because it's our life we're in control of and we should make sure we live it the way we like it, not live it to please somebody else, even if it means hurting someone.

It's a really difficult thing to do- hurting someone, I don't think there's anybody who enjoys doing that on purpose and perhaps if you are getting entertained by it then there's definitely something wrong with you. People are not suppose to harm one another but sometimes it's necessary. I'm sure that most of you went through heartbreak and know how bad it feels or maybe you were the heartbreaker. You must've felt some sort of guilt after doing that even if it was for the greater good. It's just not a pleasant sight to see someone being sad because of you.

I felt like I picked the worst day to do such sort of thing...

It all started out ordinary, I woke up, ate breakfast in my bed because I'm a messy person and have the ideology 'If nobody else is living in my room then it can be as messy as possible because there's nobody to complain about it.' oh yes and let's not forget the iconic phrase that I use every time my mom asked me to clean my room 'I'M AN ARTIST! I NEED INSPIRATION' and in that moment my mom just assumes that I'll die in my own trash which seems like a suitable death if you ask me. Just being suffocated by the things you know and love at least you can die peacefully.

As I was just minding my own business, I got a text from Adam. I wasn't as excited as I usually was, I felt nothing- as if my heart was just empty or preventing any emotion from entering. It felt eccentric. However, I still opened it to see what he wanted to say.

Adam🌺: Hey, so I had an accident just now. I fainted and hit my head on the stairs, not to mention that I fucked my hand up. It's not broken or fractured but it is pretty messed up.

In that moment the feeling of concern hit me, I started asking him questions and being all paranoid. Although, that feeling didn't last for long because soon after I felt normal again, maybe because he reassured me that he was alright or maybe because I'm an asshole and didn't really care that much anymore. There was this feeling of boredom inside of my heart and I didn't know how to get rid of it. Maybe it was time, time to say goodbye? Maybe I was overthinking this situation and I should've just left it. Was I really ready to break up with him? Especially after his accident? What if I'm made of stone? No, it sounds stupid. I'm not saying that I stopped caring about Adam at all, I am just simply saying that I should be feeling more but it's like I wasn't able to.

So there I was, laying in my bed just staring at the ceiling not knowing what to do next, I think a lot of us go through these moments sometimes where you're just numb. Your mind is blank; zoning out of existance into the darkness of the universe. Most of us need that sort of time and space to think clearly about things, I personally do think so; moments like this let me venture deep inside of my own brain and just scoop out the smallest ideas, even if they're absolute bullshit and nonsense. It takes a lot of time though, I have to travel through: river of sadness, forest of fantasies, town of logic, village of silliness, mountains of anxiety and boredom and lastly the love well. I know, it sounds stupid but if you pay close attention, all these things are big right? and lastly we have a well, it's how I'm feeling about love; it's just such a small matter to me that I portray it as a goddamn well.

"If you honestly feel like it's a good idea then just do it." I was brought back to earth by Emily, the girl sat at the edge of my bed eating her chocolate pudding. "What?" I asked her as I raised my body up and rested it on my elbows that sunk into the mattress. "Look man, I know what you're thinking about and honestly saying, I've got a lot of experience in that. You just gotta tell him how you feel and hope that he feels the same." "Man, what are you talking about?" I asked her confused, "I don't know, what are you talking about?" she replied with a question, "I'm thinking of breaking up with Adam obviously!" "OH! I thought you want to confess your feelings to Bruce" "Emily you're so fucking stupid, why would I ever do that?! It would just ruin everything we have between us, he's my best friend." I replied, "Well if its about Adam then I can tell you to do the same thing, don't hesitate to state how you feel. In fact I think it's better to do it as soon as possible because lying to him would just hurt him even more." she commented, I knew where she was coming from because it is true.