Never Heard

18.

21st December 2017

Some would say, "Let the Joy of Christmas overtake you." And I won't lie, I would be more than excited for Christmas to come and especially my 16th birthday that was going to happen in less than 72 hours but looking back at what had happened recently I don't even want to be alive anymore.

My grandma always told me to write my thoughts down and it will help me relax so I bought myself a dairy and began pouring my heart and feelings out on the blank pages of the new journal. It was definitely better than storing everything inside of me and letting it all out to the wrong person. I promised myself that he wouldn't hurt me anymore. A cliche promise and of course let's not forget, all promises end up being broken at one point.

But I was dumb and in love so nothing really mattered to me at that moment.

If there is something that I mentioned before and something that everyone should know about me is that I always end up being hurt, one way or the other; my problem is that I always take the blame on me because I hate when someone else is sad or hurting. I don't really try to get something or someone until they really mean something to me, that is also why I was slowly preparing myself for the pain that was yet to come so that it wouldn't hurt as much as it could hurt. I like to call it the 'Octopus effect'.

Why you may ask? Well, octopuses are known to have three hearts; three hearts means three tries. After all the tries have failed it's time to move on and forget. However, of course I don't just rip my heart out of my chest and give it to people to see who can treasure it. I take time to open up and if I really like that person I will slowly start to let them 'have my heart'. As stupid as it sounds that's how it actually is. You give away your heart and see if the person you gave it to returns it whole or in pieces. In addition, I'm not the type to give up so easily. That's also why most people find me so clingy and annoying. Jay broke my heart once, and it felt horrible. However, like I mentioned above: I'm not the type to give up so easily.

So I kept that feeling inside of me and pretended as if I moved on so that people won't gossip.

Getting back to the story though...

Bruce and Jay were hosting a sort of 'Christmas party' in their house and they invited both me and Emily. At first I didn't want to go but Emily said that it will be good for me because then I can bring my 'plan' to life. I was anxious and still devastated. Who wouldn't be?! I didn't let that get to me though as the two of us left for the party.

I wish Isaiah was here, he would know exactly what to do and how to help me. I would tell Jane but both of us only talk in school because both of us think that talking on chat is overrated and stupid so we'd rather talk in person, not to mention the fact that she lives on the other side of town just like Adam but in a different direction though.

The living room was packed with some of the people from the trap house and some that I never knew. Emily spent sometime with me and kept me company until she apologized and left with Thomas. I stood by the counter in the kitchen. There was a lot of alcohol but after what happened I didn't want to drink ever again. I got introduced to Jays cousin that flew over from England, her name was Anna.

The girl was shorter than me with a great sense of fashion and make up. Like she reminded me of those famous Instagram girls with amazing clothes and flawless make up. Anna was a year older than me but we got along really well. We didn't get a chance to talk more since her friend came and took her away from me. There I was once again, stuck alone in the kitchen, drinking a multi-vitamin juice.

"Hey Lou, what are you doing?" I heard a voice come from the left and I looked over to see Bruce standing there with a cup full of some liquid- probably coke and vodka.

"It's a party, so I'm pretending to have fun..." I answered sarcastically as I took a sip from my drink. Bruce frowned and I immediately felt bad, "No I mean, the party is great. The food and the drinks and the people... and the food..." I stuttered and repeated myself as all the thoughts flew back into my head and brought me down.

Bruce was the type of guy that would move mountains to make you happy even if everything around you is shitty. He put his drink down and pulled me into a tight hug. My face was buried in his chest since he was 6.4 feet tall. Quite a lot compared to my 5.5 height.

What I loved the most is that I didn't even tell him or ask for anything. He just knew that there was something going on or Emily told him since she's really concerned about me. Bruce wrapped his long arms around me and held me like that for a little bit. I immediately hugged him back as I felt as if I had a ball in my throat and my eyes got teary. He pulled away and looked down on me. "Don't worry Lou, it's all going to be alright. I promise." He added and smiled at me. I felt my heart beat stabilize and I wiped away my tears as I smiled back at him.

We weren't in the party for too long since there were a lot of noise complains since we had to be loud as fuck. Most of us decided to go to the trap house so as we walked there I took Emily on the side and told her that I will go home.

"Why? Are you sure?" She questioned me, "Yeah, I'm gonna take a long walk home and consider the wreckage that is my life." I sighed, "Alright but please be careful and text me when you get home." She commanded. I nodded and walked away leaving the group behind.

I hate my life and myself. Like honestly, I'm such a fucking dramatic bitch. I wasn't even bothered to actually walk long. I went straight home. I needed to lay down and sleep.

Me sleeping was the only escape from reality that I had...