Never Heard

30.

16th February 2018

You know that feeling when you're feeling like your entire life is going great and then it decides to just trip you over and laugh when you're down? Yeah, I know that feeling perfectly, in fact it's the thing that I'm used to the most.

It was a Friday and Daniel was throwing a small gathering at his house so of course, I couldn't possibly miss it. Not to mention that Jay wanted to talk to me about something and pretty much as usual I was shitting myself. Like, you know when someone asks you that one question that makes your heart skip a beat? For example, 'I need to talk to you.' Yeah exactly that. Its terrifying and especially that I know it's probably nothing good.

We arrived in his house just to find that a lot of people were already there, dancing and drinking their brains out. I met up with Joe and Daniel that were currently smoking outside. I joined them and we began talking as the cigarette was intertwined with our fingers. Few minutes later Chris and Alex showed up with Emily and we all had a group conversation.

People just kept on coming in and out of the house to either drink and talk or smoke and enjoy the rather chilly weather.

I finished my cigarette and stepped inside the house with Chris who was obviously drunk, as usual. That was when I saw Jay walking down the stairs with Lee, they seemed to be talking about something really important since both of them had a quite serious face on, especially Jay; he appeared to be listening to something Lee was talking about. His gaze was focused on the stairs until he raised his head and noticed me standing by the mini bar, pouring myself a mix of vodka with coke.

"Hello Louise." He greeted me, I took a sip from my mix without even looking at him, "Shut up..." I shot back as I got up to give him the usual 'hello' hug. We had a typical dry ass conversation that you have with someone. The 'Hi! How are you? Oh I'm fine, How are you!' Type of conversation... Fascinating

"Would you mind going for a walk with me?" He offered, I already knew what was coming, it's always a 'walk' the walk of pain and sorrow that I have to go through basically every 2 months. It's almost like a sequence. Even though I knew what was coming, I couldn't just say 'no' to him. I nodded my head and we stepped outside of the house. Lee followed us.

"Okay, I dont know where to start. Look Lou, whatever I'm gonna ask or say just please don't take it as if I'm attacking you. I'm just going to ask you a few questions since there is a lot of things that I've heard about you and I wanna check if they're true or not..." the boy continued.

Yup! Here we go! Louise why are you still in love with this brat? Can't you see he's trying to ruin you both physically and mentally?! Get a hold of yourself!

"Yeah okay..." I said.

Jay began asking me a lot of really personal questions, for example: "Did you ever hook up with any of my school friends and by that I mean Adam and Max? Did you ever lie to me? Do you still like me? Etc." I dont know, was he planning on making me feel like shit or recall the harassment I received from Max? Because, if he did then he definitely succeeded. I wasn't supposed to feel attacked but I most certainly did.

I answered all the questions 100% honestly until he asked another question, "After what happened on Feb 06th, did you tell anyone about it? Even Emily or Isaiah or Jane, I don't care who but did you tell anyone?!" He sounded a little mad as he asked that question, I told him the truth of course, "I didn't." However I did mention the whole Greg thing and how he found out but Jay denied ever telling him about it. I was really confused at that point. I didn't know if he was saying the truth but whatever!

We passed few houses into a dark alley when Lee stepped in and made me feel even worse. "Did you tell her about Lily?" He said, I knew who Lily was; I just never really mentioned her before in the previous entries or chapters as you'd like to call it. Lily was Jays ex-girlfriend.

"What about her?" Questioned Jay, Lee frowned and threw his hands up, "That you still like her man damn!" The boy exclaimed. I didn't have to hear more, the words 'he still likes her' felt as if I got shot right in my heart a few times until the blood filled the inside of me and poured out of my mouth. It was terrible, I wanted to just tell them to fuck off and go for a walk myself. Eventually I was just fed up with Lee's comments and asked him to leave so I can properly talk to Jay about everything without any interruptions. He did as I asked and I grabbed Jay by his sleeve and pulled him somewhere else.

"Look Jay, I'm sorry about everything that's been happening and I never intended on harming you in anyway, falling for you wasn't my choice. If it was I would've never done that but as they say 'love is blind'. I'm sorry for everything that happened but in my defense I kept on getting wrong signals from you and they made me think and act that way." I started but got interrupted, "What do you mean wrong signals?" The boy asked, I turned my head to face him only to see that he's been already staring at me, I swallowed a huge lump of saliva down my throat- it was time for a rant and few confessions... amazing.

"Whenever I was with you alone, you would always try to be close to me, like grab my shoulder or hug me or play with my hair or face. It was all misleading, especially when I would look at you just to see that you were already staring. However, whenever we are with a group of people you pretend like I don't exist. What happened on 06th was literally a cherry on top of all my thoughts. You made me feel safe and wanted, I felt loved for the first time. But it was all a game for you wasn't it? I was just another one of those girls who fall for you and you lead them on for a long time then break them apart and enjoy the sight of their broken hearts. I hate myself for falling in love with you but I can't help it. There's just something about you that dragged and pulled me towards you even though I tried my best to resist it. Maybe it's your looks or perhaps maybe your 'good heart', I don't know. I don't like the fact that you used me and now you're breaking my heart yet once again." I finished as we continued to walk, I looked up at the stars above us and recalled all the memories I had with Jay, I felt like I was about to cry.

The boys eyes didn't leave me, he let out a loud sigh and rubbed the back of his neck as he finally turned his head forward.

"Lou, I didn't play you, in fact I never even told you anything that might've looked like that. I'm sorry about that and I didn't want you to feel this way... However, after what happened on 06th I did have mixed feelings about you because it was literally amazing. Listen Lou, I love you so much and I care about you more than anything. I think of you as my younger sister and I will do anything to see you smile." He stated, I don't know but I felt like I wanted to punch him for breaking my heart yet once again. I couldn't though, I let out a fake laugh and pretended to be okay with everything that he said.

We walked for another 20 minuets until we began heading back, we talked about this whole situation again and I kept on pretending to laugh and smile. When I was actually really not okay.

"So what are we gonna continue this occasional hook up or forget about the whole thing and move on?" I asked, he gave it a quick thought and answered, "You know what? Let's just go with the flow and see what happens..."

I told Emily and Alex everything once we got back and both him and Greg dropped us off. As I got out of the car I went forward to hug Alex goodbye, he squeezed me tightly and whispered, "If you need anything just please call me, I'm here for you Lou and fuck Jay! We will find you someone better." I answered with a soft thank you and stepped inside of our garden. They left immediately and I collapsed on the front stairs and began crying. Emily rushed towards me and tried to help me up.

She walked me to my room and both of us fell on my bed, she pulled me close to her and started to calm me down until I fell asleep in her arms...