Never Heard

9.

03rd November 2017

How did I get here? How did all of this even start?

I wish I knew the answer.

One day you're just born and you're told where to go and what to do. It's like everyone has their own script to living, almost as if life is a huge play and you're the main character. However, most of the time I don't even know if I got my script. It's like I'm wandering from one corner to the other; trying to find the girl that I used to be. Only to realize that she's long gone.

Walking the school halls alone makes you think about everything you have accomplished so far and whether you're good enough for anybody to love you. I know, it doesn't make any sense but that's how I feel 85% of my time. I tend to overthink and assume things to quickly because I'm preparing myself for the pain that is yet to come so that it won't be as hard to go through when it actually happens. It sucks and it's stupid I know but it's just how I am and trust me I tried to change it so many times but it just didn't stick. Back to the first entry of this dairy " My life is already a major fuck up."

I put my hood on and zoomed through the crowds of students making sure that I'm unnoticed. I don't even know why I feel this way, like nothing bad happened. So far everything was going great so why do I feel like this?

I passed by my locker, didn't even bother opening it, I went straight to my class.

To be completely honest with you, I didn't have time to even sit down properly because I got hit by the wave of gossip coming from the ginger haired girl next to me, Jane.

"And he won't stop texting me! Like it's so fucking weird." She explained, " why don't you just tell him to piss off? Look Jane you are a strong independent woman! Don't let anyone bring you down ok?" I motivated her, she nodded and asked about my term break. I couldn't wait to tell her and Isaiah the detail. Obviously! Jane being Jane she had to fangirl the living hell out of herself and congratulate me. I don't even know why to be honest. Like we didn't really talk ever since our hang out.

We could to be honest but as I mentioned in the previous entries, I am afraid of texting people first since I think that I'm bothering them and I know it's stupid and I'm being a pussy and people don't usually care but I overthink the slightest things and so I didn't text him.

"Why won't you date him already?" Asked Isaiah, I looked up from my text book and faced him. I felt a rush of heat in my cheeks, I don't know why but I wanted to lie to him just to mess with both of them and see their reaction but I couldn't.

I swallowed my saliva and opened my mouth to answer him, "No, I would probably break him." My gaze dropped down back to my book, I began spinning my pen between my fingers. I heard Isaiah snort so once again I looked up at him, " He'd be into that" the boy responded with a smirk on his lips and a wink. I felt my cheeks burn again, " He's not into me, that's all there is to it. He never was and he never will." I added, I could hear my voice go deeper and sadness overtook my thoughts.

"Why are you so negative Lou? Look at yourself! You're beautiful and funny, who wouldn't fall for you?" Interrupted Jane, I turned my head towards her and chuckled. " I'm bitter and complicated, that's one of my charms." I said, she looked at me weirdly and said, " I don't think you know what that word means. Or how to count." Her and Isaiah burst out laughing, I couldn't hold myself back so I joined them.

I'm really glad that they were trying to cheer me up but let's me honest here. I am not the type of girl boys fall in love with, so what's the point of even waiting. However I felt like Jay was worth it. There was something about him that told me not to give up my hopes and that's what I was planning to do.

For the rest of our math class me and Jane made fun of Isaiah's sponge like hair and over all Isaiah himself because he's a dumbass. Until the bell rang and the 3 of us went for the exit, we walked through the hallway to our next class extra slowly since we wanted to be late.

"Do you guys wanna go to the forest after school?" Asked Jane, Isaiah and I looked at each other then at her, confused. " Are you planning on murdering us?" The boy commented, " You know, there is a saying that you shouldn't trust people with ginger hair." He laughed. Jane giggled and playfully pushed him; of course he had to be extra so he pretended to crash on a wall and began complaining.

We passed by several classes and random students, we took a turn and I saw Jay walking with his friends. He was walking in my direction, our eyes met and I tried to give him an awkward smile to not make it seem so weird. He mouthed a 'hey' and continued talking to his friends as they passed me by. Adam wasn't with them though, he was probably going to a different class.

I was too lost in my thoughts to respond to Isaiah's teasing. I've always been someone who looks 'too deep' into something or someone. That's because I realized from a young age that there is more than what meets the eye. That's why I'm always observing or I'm silent. It's weird I know but I can't help it, I mean that's how I am and you can't do anything about it. Whether you like it or not.

The school day was over. Finally. Jane, Isaiah and I stood outside on the field and just talked to other people from our grade. I left them for a little bit to go and talk to Mike and my sister since they are best friends and I had to tell my sister that I'm going with Jane and Isaiah. We talked for a little bit and Mike kept on making fun of me but it's fine since it was so pathetic that it was actually funny.

I took a glance back at my friends and I saw Jay talking to Isaiah and I felt my heart drop. ' what if he tells him?! Are they talking about me?! Why are they looking here and laughing?! I'm definitely dead! Yup! He knows!' I began mentally screaming at myself for being an idiot and just thanking Isaiah for fucking me over. I walked towards them and said a REALLY awkward Hi. The kind of hi that your parents force you to do infront of your relatives even though you don't want to and have way better things to do.

"Are you and Isaiah dating?" Asked Jay, I felt my heart skip a beat. 'HOLD ON! Did he just? What the absolute fuck?' I looked at him like he was some weird kind of specimen. " No, we are not dating." I said. Isaiah burst out laughing and he put a hand around Jay. " See? I told you." He mumbled between the laughter, I rolled my eyes in response to this whole situation and went to talk to Jane.

I swear boys are so stupid.