Never Heard

17.

20th December 2017

Sometimes you can love someone with all your heart and at the same time- NOT want them back. Everything has a breaking point, hearts included and when it comes to broken hearts. There's only so many times you can piece yourself back together before you realize you can't go through it anymore. You can continue to love them despite their flaws and pain they have caused you. But you don't want them back because you realize deep down there's no such thing as back. Not back in time to undo whatever was said and done and not back together again because you're not the same person anymore. You've been hurt so many times that you would rather break your own heart missing them rather than give them the opportunity to do it again.

I didn't give up though... Dumbass...

I'm not gonna talk about the countless amount of tears that left my eyes today. I felt hungover and miserable as fuck. I looked at my right fist and admired the purple and yellow bruise that covered most of my fist and knuckles. I'm such a fucking tragedy.

Me writing about my past makes me realize how pathetic I really was and perhaps still am. Of course I had to tell both Isaiah and Adam about everything that happened and they weren't too happy about it. They both raged at Max for what he had done and then he threatened me to tell Jay and make me look like a slut.

That was the last thing that I wanted to happen.

[ Later that day ]

I watched Jay as he tucked his head between his hands and knees and rocked back and forth. I wanted to say something to make it look less awkward but Lee was with us and even though he knew what happened I still felt awkward. Not to mention that Jay's ex girlfriend was in the same shopping center as us which gave him even more reason to be fucking sad.

I knew that partly he didn't want me to come, partly he never wanted to see me again and I felt like that too. I wish I could turn back time and never drink. I would be happy right now and we both would still be as close as we were.

Out of nowhere Jay stood up and said he needs to go take a piss. Lee and I were left alone and we could talk.

"So Lou how are you feeling?" He asked, "Dead." I replied coldly, my brown curly hair covered my teary eyes, I sighed and added. "I lost him forever didn't I?" "Yeah...I guess you did but look, both of you are really close so for now just stay friends, like become his best friend. He needs that right now..." Answered Lee, I felt a single tear run down my cheek as I stared at the seat in front of me. I quickly wiped them away since Jay came back and I pulled up a smile.

I don't know how to describe that sort of feeling. It's like you're suffocating with your own thoughts, choking on your feelings and words. To be completely honest with you I don't even know why I'm sad or heartbroken, like he was never even mine to begin with so why do I care about him so fucking much? I can't really answer that; I can't say that he's perfect because he's not. I mean to me he was but it's always like that. Nobody is perfect until you're in love with them, because only then everything they do or are is perfect for you and that is why I didn't give up. Not because I was desperate to date him, I never did. My feelings for Jay were just so complicated that I can't even describe them properly.

It's like, I was in love with him but I never wanted to date him. I wanted to be that person that he can trust and rant to, I wanted to protect him with all my strength and make sure that he's never sad because deep down I knew that I could make him happy. However, I lost him forever and why? Because I got fucking drunk and ran my mouth. Louise you creep!

We didn't sit there for long, they walked me home and I cried myself to sleep because the only boy that I actually loved hated me...