Never Heard

40.

26th April 2018

People say that the best possible way of forgetting someone and moving on is to simply occupy yourself with somebody else, basically a rebound. At the same time it can be a bit tricky if the heart break is still too fresh or you don't have someone to hook up with. That's when he came along.

It's been a day since the whole Jay thing happened, honestly I'm still going through it and  it hurts. Just a simple thought that he might hate me or the fact that I made him uncomfortable made me feel like a rapist. Legit. Even though I barely touched the dude. Maybe it was just me talking about him a lot or just being overly nice. I have no clue to be honest and even though the present me is SO over him, I still don't want to know the reason that made him feel that way- it's just too much to handle. I'm pretty sure you can understand me and where I'm coming from. I hate pushing people away from me with my behavior and especially I hate making them feel uncomfortable, it's just not me.

It was basically a weekend so I invited Adam to come over and talk to me about everything, he already knew what happened since Jay told him but I wanted him to know my side of the story.

If you still didn't notice, dear reader. This book is basically my side of the story about everything that happened. That is why it is called 'Never Heard' because after everything that had happened with me, nobody ever wanted to hear my side of the story and how everything happened behind the scenes of the rumors and things people had said about me. This book is meant to show you that I am not as bad as they said I am...

The two of us entered my house and went upstairs to my room. As usual I put on some Indie music and turned my fairy lights on to set the mood and just feel comfortable. I always do that so that my guests don't feel pressured but at ease and relaxed; also the best kind of conversations come out in a dim place with soft music on. That's when you get to know someone the best because they feel welcome and safe. I laid down next to him and observed the ceiling. Adam moved closer to me and rested his head next to mine. 

" So what are you going to do?" he asked softly, I let out a sigh and closed my eyes for a few seconds thinking if I did that, I would escape this bullshit reality. I re-opened them just to see that I'm still stuck in my room with Adam by my side trying to help me go through my heartbreak. I licked my lips and opened my mouth. "I don't know Adam, there isn't much that I can do apart from forgetting and moving on and you know what the worst part about this whole situation is? It's that I know that it'll take a long time until I fully move on." I answered his question, he let out a soft 'mhmm' sound and turned his head to face the white ceiling that looked right at us. "You know, when I was really in love with this one girl that was in our school, and she rejected me. I felt really horrible after that, similar to you actually. However, I tried to distract myself with any sort of activity I could find: studying, photography, watching movies etc. It worked so I think that you should try it too." Adam advised me. I wanted to do as he told me to but it would just make me think of Jay even more. 

My mind is a really big place, I can think of multiple things at the same time and visualize things that happened or might never even take place. However, all those thoughts and scenarios just merged into this one image, Jay was all I could see in my mind at that moment and it sucked because, as much as I tried to get rid of that picture I couldn't; it just kept on coming back. The worst part of it all was that I still had to see him every weekend since the group always hangs out in the park. I gave it a deeper thought and came up with ways to achieve stop feeling that way about him. 

It was either...

1) Make up some reason for me to hate him and never see him again- block him everywhere and with time forget about his existence.

2) Treat him like my little brother and take care of him as if he was a part of my family which would eventually transform my love for him into a platonic family sort of love. Just like the one you have for your parents or siblings. 

I knew that I wouldn't be able to hate Jay even if I tried my best to do that. He made a huge impact on my life and I was not ready to give it up yet, so I decided to treat him like my brother.

"Yeah you told me about that girl, she was a real bitch though so you shouldn't worry about that... She's gone now anyway." I said, I wasn't listening to him though. I was just too occupied with my thoughts. "What hurts the most though, is the fact that I never meant to make him feel that way. Like, I honestly feel like some sex offender. I think that he might not talk to me anymore and honestly I would understand that. I don't know... Should I apologize to him?" I asked, I felt like my eyes were getting watery but I managed to calm myself down. 

"Nah, it's all good, trust me. Actually, I will be honest with you. Jay stood up for you so many times. Like our group of friends used to talk so much crap about you but Jay and I were the only ones that stood up for you and defended you- every time they did that Jay would just get pissed off and tell them to shut up. He has nothing against you Lou, people make mistakes and Jay is a very understanding person. I am pretty sure he already forgot about it and he's ready to see you again." he added.

"Wait! Jay. Took my side?!" I was shocked, " Yes Lou, Jay loves you, maybe not in the way that you desire but he does love and care for you. A lot." he said. I would never expect Jay to ever stand up to his friends for me. I thought that I didn't even mean that much to him, well I guess I was wrong- again... For some reason I began to smile again. Maybe I didn't crave Jay in the way that I seemed to, maybe I just craved that feeling of protection and belonging. 

We stopped talking about it eventually and decided to go outside for a quick cigarette. The two of us sat on the dusty stairs that were in my backyard. It was already dark outside. I guess that our conversation took a long time after all. Our faces were illuminated by the dim orange and red light that came from the cigarette. Every inhale destroyed us even more but both of us didn't seem to mind it at that time. We looked at the stars and laughed about the past. Recalled memories. Spoke about the 'Night we met' At that time I didn't know what I would have done without Adam in my life. All I knew was that I was grateful for having him with me. 

We came back inside. My family still wasn't home which was pretty weird for them. The music continued playing and the two of us laid back down in my bed. At one point it started to feel a little weird. Adam was too nice and touchy with me. "You're so beautiful." He kept on repeating it. I tried to sort of scoot away so I wouldn't be so close to him but he continued on getting closer. I thought that maybe a conversation would make it better and it did actually. Until he gently touched my face. I flinched to the coldness of his finger tips and also the fact that I hated when people touched my face or shoulders- Thanks Max! 

The boy moved his face closer to mine and our lips touched. They moved in sync for a short while until Adam tried to deepen the kiss and take it further. That rang a giant church bell in my head and I pulled away and moved a bit to the side. Adam was confused for a second, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you away." He apologized, it was indeed sweet of him for doing that. "No, it's not that. I just can't right now. The whole situation with Jay is just too fresh." I answered softly. His face went from happy to miserable in 0.5 seconds. "Yeah I understand, I should go." The boy announced as he began getting up from the bed. "What the fuck? No! It's fine Adam, really." I tried to stop him, then he started blabbering on how he must've made me feel uncomfortable and I continued on denying it. At one point I was just sick of it, I pushed myself off of the edge of the bed and kissed him. He immediately kissed me back, Adam placed his hand on my cheek- I didn't like it at first but melted into his touch eventually. 

After we pulled away, he hugged me tightly and cuddled me. I liked it. Shortly after that, he had to leave since he lived on the other side of the town and it was a long road back. I walked him outside and hugged him for goodbye. His warmth embraced me and lit a small match in my heart. It felt weird but almost as if it was putting all my broken pieces back to the way they were supposed to be. Together.