Never Heard

39.

25th April 2018

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They never asked for it, they did something dumb like kiss you or smile at you and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostage, a simple phrase like "maybe let's just be friends" turns into a glass splinter, working it's way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love and every single aspect of it, it never made me happy. It always ruins me and makes me count the beating of my heart hoping that it'll finally stop so I won't have to go through this pain ever again. Nobody would ever love someone like me. Most of the time it's because I am simply not good enough or maybe just the fact that I can't satisfy anyone with my being. People look for their other halves and eventually they find it. I thought I found mine but it just ripped me to pieces. I never want to fall in love again. It sucks, it really sucks! Especially when the person you're in love with can't return your feelings or because they're in love with somebody else; maybe like I said, I'm not the type of girl boys fall for. I will allow myself to say that I am lusted by many but loved by none, because no one would ever be capable of loving someone like me...

Sincerely,
Louise

I held my breath. Not like you do when you walk pass a graveyard or something like that. No. I was trying to see how long I can do it before I pass out or die. The sucky part was that the moment came when I took the next breath.

I stood in the hallway in front of my sisters room, dumbfounded and horrified by the harsh words I heard in that voice note. "She just doesn't understand that I can't return her feelings, to the point that I feel uncomfortable around her. Like she always makes me feel pressured, no offense to you but sometimes she creeps me out." I immediately recognized the voice in that message. Jay. The boy I was madly in love with for almost a year now, complained how uncomfortable he feels around me. Don't get me wrong I always knew that he cant return my feelings and I wasn't sad about that- I already passed that stage.

What hurt the most was the fact that instead of telling me face to face and being honest as well as straightforward about everything, he chose to give me mixed signals then run to my sister and rant to her about me and literally backstab me. He always says how he doesn't do that and told me I could be myself around him but at that moment I wasn't hundred percent sure if I would ever trust him again.

I felt a shiver run down my spine while a single tear escaped my eye and traced its way down my heated face. I couldn't take it anymore, my heart got broken once again by the same person. My body turned in the other direction and I stormed towards my room. "Lou wait!" Yelled Emily, she ran after me and followed me into my room. "I'm honestly done with this bullshit Emily! Why does he always do that to me! I never done anything wrong to him! I'm always nice and polite and I respect his decisions but now- after he literally backstabbed me instead of saying it to my face is just enough! Okay, I'll admit maybe I did cross the line a few times and made him feel uncomfortable but it was never intentional- he should've just told me to stop and I would respect that!" I shouted while the hot tears stained my face. I sobbed loudly and crouched down on the floor, hugged my knees and rocked back and forth. I was a mess once again. My sister sat down next to me and wrapped me in her arms. The loud sobs filled my room, thank God my parents weren't home. "He just doesn't know what he lost. You're such an amazing person and the fact that he treated you like that is bad. Don't worry, it'll all be okay, I promise." She whispered as she kissed my forehead as I continued crying. I took a hold of my phone, "I need to see Bruce." I mumbled out between sobs. "Okay..." she agreed and left the room.