Never Heard

5.

16th October 2017

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

I'm in that fucking stage now. It's been the 6th week of school and I've already managed to: end 2 friendships, redye my hair twice and fall hard for a guy that I never spoke to in person. Fantastic! Way to go Louise, you are definitely surviving this school year.

I love to recall those moments or situations where your having a normal conversation in person or on chat and suddenly, you think of something else that you could've said and you just roll your eyes cause that's the best response you can think of since you can't turn back time and that sucks.

I get those all the time and trust me if it was possible to make my eyes fall out of my sockets because I roll them too much then I would already wear eye patches on my face to cover the fact that my eyes decided to leave my body.

Although we have control of a lot of things that make us happy, there are certain aspects of life that are beyond our control. Everyone's happiness is momentary. We can't guarantee happiness, we can't even guarantee that in the morning we will even be here. Happiness comes and goes. To me, happiness is more than just an emotional or mental state, it's what I strive for, it's what makes me feel alive. Sometimes it only lasts a moment, sometimes, if we are lucky it lasts a lot longer. But we will not always feel happy, and that's what should make us appreciate it the most and yet, I can't be happy at all...

I don't even know how to describe it.

I'm lying numb in my bed just thinking of all the things I could have done. "You can't cry over spilled milk" whoever made that quote must have been through a lot of shit. I wish I met that person, maybe they would tell me what I should do with myself or maybe they would just smack me on the head and tell me to grow up.

How did I even get here? I feel like I'm quoting one of Jacksepticeye videos, I should get some serious help.

That's it! I'm done, I got up from my bed; grabbed my olive coloured hoodie and left the house. I had to take a walk just to leave all the thoughts behind me.

I walked out and followed the sidewalk that led to the park. My headphones on my ears and hands in my pockets. You know that sudden feeling of relief once the wind brushes against your face and you feel like it's cleansing your mind and body of everything? Yeah, that's my favourite feeling in the world. Just me, my music and the wind. I passed by several houses and fields until I reached a railway for some reason. My mind was so closed that I didn't even realise how I got here.

My feet continued to move forward and I found myself on the railings just following the path that lead to another town most probably. I'm definitely like those tumblr girls now, my phone began buzzing and I sat down on the cold rocks not caring if I would get hit by a train. The screen lit up and I saw Isaiahs name pop up. I swiped my finger to answer the call.

L- Hello?
I- You retarded bitch, get off the railroad before something hits you.

I looked around me to see if he was nearby.

L- Haha! Where are you? I can't see you.
I- Yeah obviously, I'm a savage that's why.
L- Shut up and show yourself.
I- Look behind you.

I did what he said and that was when I spotted him. He stood like 100 meters away from me, I must've been blind that I didn't see him before. He ended the call as I got up and trotted towards him. The boy had another oversized hoodie on him with a red bandana tied around his forehead. His ripped jeans exposed his skinny legs and to be completely honest with you, Isaiah looked homeless.

"Were you following me?" I asked playfully, " Trust me, I have better things to do than stalking depressed teenage girls." He answered and I teasingly pushed him. " No but seriously I was on my way to Jimmy's burger bistro" He added.
The boy asked if I wanted to join him and I nodded happily. Both of us walked off the railroad onto the path and towards the town.

"Why were you walking alone?" Commented Isaiah, " I wanted to take things off of my head and just enjoy the weather," " Oh my god..." he sighed " What?" I asked, " You think too much Lou, doesn't your head hurt from all that bullshit that is stored inside?" " Haha, I don't really know. I mean I do it a lot and I pretty much hate it but there isn't much I can do about it." I laughed in response then both of us fell silent for the rest of the way.

I enjoy those silent moments with your best friend when both of you stay silent and just enjoy each other's company. Not an awkward silence but this calming and refreshing type of silence. When both of you are comfortable around each other and just let the time flow by because you really don't care what's going to happen since you have your best friend by your side.

The bistro looked like it was ripped out of 60s. It had neon lights on the roof and bright sign that said 'Jimmy's Burgers'.
We entered the restaurant and a scent of burned oil and meat filled my nose. The seats were made of red leather and there was a long counter that was surrounded with individual stools, which were also covered with red leather, Isaiah made his way to a table at the back of the bistro and I followed. It was really warm inside, I had to take my jacket off since I felt like I was about to melt. We sat down and were immediately interrupted by quite rude waitress, she had long blond hair that was tied in a ponytail and a uniform that was a little bit too revealing. I looked at her name tag and it said 'Jessica'. She chewed her gum with her mouth open which made me kind of uncomfortable but I shook it off to not seem mean. Isaiah ordered a steak with fries then proceeded to ask me what I want, " Just a milkshake please," I asked kindly. Jessica looked at me with annoyance in her eyes and chewed her gum even louder, however she took our order and left our table swaying her butt left and right. Isaiah followed her with his eyes until she disappeared behind the white door that lead to the kitchen and whispered "Damn..." I snorted and rolled my eyes, " Get yourself a girlfriend." I commented sarcastically " Fuck that shit! had one and she was a pain in the ass." He replied as he slammed his palms on the marble table. We laughed and continued to talk about school and technically his life.

Few minutes later Jessica came back with our orders and left with a snort. I observed my vanilla milkshake and twisted the glass few times while Isaiah stuffed his mouth with the steak. Such a skinny guy but eats for three, how does he do it? I have no idea. I watched him carefully with precision and noticed scars on his hands and forehead that I didn't see before. " What are these from?" I pointed at his scars and asked curiously, the boys eyes met mine and looked down once more at his hands. " Battle scars." Was his only response as he began to stuff food in his mouth again, "Tell me" I added, " Trust me, you don't wanna know..." He mumbled out and continued eating, I figured that maybe he didn't want to talk about it so I left it for another time as I continued to sip on my milkshake until the last drop

I turned my head to look out the window and realised that it was already dark. I sprung out of my seat scaring the crap out of Isaiah. " Woah! Everything's OK?" He questioned nervously, I explained that the sun has set and that I should head home since my mom is probably worried. The boy sighed, wiped his face, left 50 dollars on the cold surface and stood up from his seat. He grabbed his oversized hoodie and said, " Let me walk you home. I don't want you dying today." I smiled and we left the restaurant.

The cold wind surrounded our warmed up bodies and a chill ran down my spine. We began walking back to my house, the roads were empty and the street lights shone down a bright orange colour. I heard crickets in the grass and saw a little mist embrace the ground. Isaiah dragged his feet on the ground with his hands in his pockets while me on the other hand happily walked by his side. It didn't take us long to reach my house since it was surprisingly 20 minutes away from the bistro. I thanked him and hugged him goodbye with a promise not to die while walking up the stairs. Before he left I asked if he knew how to get back but received a sarcastic laugh. " Yeah... Not really." he explained, I mentally face palmed myself and called him a cab so that he wouldn't get lost. Ugh! What a dork, but I love him for that.
I hugged him once more while the cab arrived and left. I saw the red lights fade away into the darkness of the night and I proceeded to get ready for my bed time. After all, I still had to go to school on the next day...Fantastic.