Never Heard

36.

05th April 2018

Have you ever been scared to open a text? Your heart races, your stomach feels empty, and you just kind of stare at your phone.

It's been 5 days since Isaiah left, I couldn't feel worse honestly, I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye and hug him for the last time. Last time I saw him was in school and I had no idea it was the last time I'm gonna see him. He didn't tell me or Jane at all, he just disappeared- which made it worse. I was devastated, it felt like I got stabbed in my heart- completely disarmed, The two of us found out because people were posting photos of them and Isai wishing him good luck, he told everyone but not us. I didn't know how I was going to live now, school would be boring and I wouldn't be able to call him and talk about my problems. It sounds like he's dead and it felt like it, he left to play football which means he would be busy all the time; not to mention the time difference. It's the main reason why people lose contact with each other- time. In my case, time is the most important thing to me. Yeah, I know, sounds insane but honestly it is. Everything has to be planned out and scheduled, nothing can change. This is why I don't really like when people make sudden plans or change the plan in the last minute.

I was devastated, the thought of my best friend being far away from me- all the way on another continent; it's actually heartbreaking if you think about it and the worst part was that I couldn't do anything about it.

I stared at my phone as if I was frozen. Once I got enough courage I swiped right and read the message.

Jay- We need to talk, I'll come pick you up from your place and we can go to the park.

My heart pounded, 'Oh fuck! What if he tells me to fuck off and never talk to him again?! Yeah he's definitely gonna do that, Lou you're screwed. You did something wrong and now you're fucked. Absolute dumbass!' I thought to myself. I hesitated whether I should answer or leave him on read for dramatic effect ( yes I do that sometimes, you do it, I do it, everybody does it). Fuck it! I answered him.

L- Yeah sure, I'll be waiting.
J- Okie dokie! Imma be there in 15.

My thoughts were running lose like locust on a hunt- eating and destroying everything in its' way. I hate being curious, I hate being left in doubt. If you don't give me an answer I'll come up with one myself and that's not a good thing. My brain has the ability to imagine every possible scenario that can happen in any situation, I think too much. My imagination is the only thing that can harm me. Words? Yeah maybe that too but nothing can disarm me except my own brain. I hate when someone makes me curious for example: "hey Lou, I gotta tell you something." "Yeah what is it?" "Oh never mind."

For others this small, meaningless thing has the power to press all my buttons and make me want to stab a bitch but at the same time cry because I tend to overthink everything.

What a great mind I have...

I quickly got ready and waited for Jay to give me a call once he's outside. I took few cigarettes from Emily followed by chugging a bottle of water to calm myself down. Received the call, said bye to my parents and went outside.

"Hey!" He greeted me with a small hug which I returned. "Hey..." I responded as I let go.

The two of us began walking down the road in silence, I lit up the cigarette and waiting for him to say something. I wanted to initiate the conversation but my throat was stopping me. After 5 minutes he opened his mouth and decided to talk.

"So! I wanna talk to you about Adam..." he started, for some reason I felt much lighter; didn't know if it was because the topic wasn't bad at all or was it a sneaky fart that I managed let out quietly.

"Okay? What about him?" I asked curiously as I inhaled the nicotine, "Oh nothing never mind!" He said. Nah! I'm joking, I would've actually killed him if he'd do that. "How do you feel about Adam?" He stated, for some reason I felt like my stomach dropped and twisted. I hesitated to answer, because I didn't know what to answer. I exhaled the smoke and thought of the right response.

"Nothing in particular I guess, he's my best friend and I really love him." I replied, my voice was shaky; I could tell that Jay noticed it. The boy looked at me and giggled suddenly, "Like love love or love as a friend?" He questioned. I knew why he was asking these questions, Adam told him everything that happened between us. Why did he do that? He knew how I feel about Jay yet he went around and told his friends. " As a friend of course, I don't know honestly, I'm pretty sure he told you about what happened but to be completely honest I'm not sure if I can return his feelings. Not because I don't see him in that way but because I'm scared to lose him as someone who's really close to me." "So you do have feelings for him!" He said enthusiastically, I mentally face palmed myself. I didn't want to remind him that I have feelings for him but I knew that he wouldn't leave me alone.

"I don't know Jay, it's really complicated. Like he's super sweet and he's always there for me when I need him the most but I don't wanna jump into something that may lead to me losing him forever. I'm sure you know how relationships work. You fall in love with someone, you start dating, everything is fucking great until you guys break up and never talk to each other again. I wouldn't forgive myself if that happened." I explained, I honestly hoped he would understand but of course he didn't. "Look, what I think you should do is..." he tried to make a dramatic pause like he usually does. "Give him a chance, don't get into a relationship with him or anything but you know just kinda try it out." He continued.

The two of us stood in front of the traffic light waiting for our turn to cross the road, "So you're saying that I should play with his emotions?" "No what the fuck! That's fucked up don't do that. But like you know just see how it goes. Go with the flow. Don't just jump into it but try it out. 'Cause look, I've known Adam for my entire life, I know that he wouldn't do anything to hurt you and he's honestly a great guy. So talk to him and give him a chance man! You won't know unless you try!" He exclaimed, it did persuade me a little bit but to me it seemed like I would have to play with his feelings, I didn't want that. I'm not a type of person to play with someone else's emotions. That's honestly fucked up!

However, after what happened between me and Adam I kinda did feel something, like a feeling of home and belonging. On the other hand though, it wasn't enough to stop my feelings for Jay. I mean let's be honest, it has been like 8 months.

Yeah I know it's crazy right? How long can you be in love with someone who doesn't return your feelings? I don't know. When it comes to me, my feelings are stable. When I fall in love with someone, I can be in love with them for years. Unless they really hurt me; then I would just say 'fuck it!' I'm the type of person that will break my own heart before anything happens, because then it reduces the pain. It does honestly, I'm preparing myself for something that is bound to happen and when it does it just passes quickly because I've already went through it mentally. I did it with my ex that I dated for 2 years and I kept on doing it with Jay.