Never Heard

48.

19th June 2018

If there is one thing that the entire population on the planet earth has in common is football. No matter where you live or where you come from, worldwide, everybody knows about football, it's officially the number one sport everywhere.

What I also know for sure is that in my lovely Polish community; football is not just another sport. It's a religion. Even though, I won't deny the fact that our national team sucks! I don't know why we can be so proud of our team when we literally always lose. Not to mention the fact that we can't even coordinate our teammates properly. However, even though we can't play, the pride and hope for victory does not disappear.

It was the time of WorldCup. The time of the year where bars were overflowing with men who proudly supported their teams and drank way too much beers to remember which team they're actually rooting for.

Today was the match between Poland and Senegal so my parents went over to their friends house to watch it and well, drink. Emily and I decided to also invite friends over so we could watch the match as well. We had everything ready: booze, crisps, popcorn, our flag and of course- we couldn't forget to wear the amazing shirts that our mom bought for us, the ones with Polands emblem. I've never felt more Polish in my entire life. The smell of beer and vodka filled our living room and the screams and cheers were most probably echoing all the way around my neighbourhood. Emily and I decided to invite our most football passionate friends: Daniel, Adam, Joe, Alex, Bruce and Jay who just tagged along with Bruce because we had booze.

Few shots and drinks in and I had to come up with the dumbest idea ever, "Who wants to try my 'blowjob shots'?" I asked, my tongue was numb from the amount of alcohol it touched. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Laughed Joe, "Well you don't have to try them." "Let's do it!" Announced Bruce. He understood me, 'there's always a good reason to drink' that's our motto.

"Well...to start off you make a shot of vodka" I began explaining as I was demonstrating the procedure, "Then, you take whip cream and spray that shit all over your shot, doesn't matter the amount 'the more cum the better' they say" "Who exactly EVER said that?" Questioned me Alex, "Me. Just now. STOP QUESTIONING MY GENIUS AND PAY ATTENTION" I exclaimed. "And last but not least...You drink it" I finished as I drank that horrible mixture which was followed by an immediate gag reflex. "You okay Lou?" asked Jay, I shivered "I'm fucking great!" "It has a weird taste but it's definitely worth it." I added, I received a couple of concerned looks but soon after they proceeded to fill up their shot glasses with the pure liquor. "Lou! Whip cream!" commanded Bruce as he reached out for the whip cream which I was currently filling my mouth with. "Gimme that!" "EY!" I cried as he snatched it from my hand. "You guys can have your disgusting blowjob shots, Daniel and I have milk and popcorn with whip cream. Fuck You!" Announced Adam. The two of them weren't drinking alcohol, they were the sober ones in our group. We gave them milk instead so they don't feel left out.

As time passed by, it turned out that Poland actually sucks, because we lost another match, 2-1 for Senegal. Of course, Adam and Daniel had to rub it in our faces that they won the bets but I was more focused on Jay. He got awfully quiet so I asked if he wanted to talk upstairs in my room. "Yeah...sure" he answered quietly and we went upstairs. The rest just started whistling and making weird sounds because they thought that we're going there to make out or some shit.

I opened the door for him and he went inside, I closed it soon after I stepped in. The boy sat on my bed; silently. I sat right next to him and asked what's wrong. He remained silent, I insisted on him talking to me. Jay took a deep breath and spoke, "I just feel so unappreciated, I don't know why I started to feel it now. We're all having fun, maybe its the alcohol but I've been feeling like this for a while now. I'm just sad because of Bruce. Like, we don't really get along that well, so much happens when people aren't with us, it's like he's putting on a persona. He's always so mean to me... Orders me around and doesn't really see that he's hurting me at the same time. Yet, everybody loves him so much you know? Nobody ever said 'let's go to Jays' no, they always say 'let's go to Bruces' I've thrown so many gatherings, yet people always thank Bruce not me. It's like nobody really sees me you know?" He began crying, my immediate response was to put my arm around him and pull him closer to me so his head was resting on my chest and his body was wrapped in my arms. He tugged on my shirt and sobbed loudly, I began quietly shushing him while caressing his back gently. His cries became louder so I hugged him tighter to ensure that it was okay and that he was safe.

I liked doing that; gently yet tightly hugging people so they feel secure and protected. wrapping them in my arms to make them feel home. It brought me joy- to know that someone feels safe around you.

"I just miss Albert Lou... He basically raised me, Bruce is barely there for me and he always was like that. Ever since Albert moved, I had to do everything on my own. I guess you could say that I feel lonely and helpless. I'm just so hurt. I've even considered hurting myself." "STOP" I cut him off. "Jay... please, NEVER try to hurt yourself. It feels good for a while but makes you more miserable later on. You look at yourself and think 'why have I done this to myself?' please don't be like me." I added, he looked up at me with his puffy red eyes, "Wait, you've cut yourself before?" he asked "yes." "why?!" he asked again, I looked him in the eye and slid my fingers in his now black hair. "Well, as much as it hurts me to say that, because of you. I got hurt by you so many times I just couldn't help myself, so I decided to just slice my skin wide open to make the pain go away but let me tell you something. It didn't help at all, it made me feel worse." I answered and held his tanned hands. The boy pulled his hands out of mine and hugged me really tightly and burst out in tears. "Lou, I'm so sorry for ever doing that to you, I never intended on hurting you this much. I had no idea that you were going through so much pain" He continued to sob on my shoulder as his large hands were placed on my back, pulling me closer to him. I hugged him and felt myself tear up. "Jay, it's okay. It's in the past. Please don't cry." I whispered as I kissed his head. I kept on whispering 'it's okay' until he calmed down a little bit. I could still feel his body tremble and light sobs leave his mouth. My hands still wrapped around him, not letting him go.

I felt like I've done a mistake, maybe I shouldn't have said what I did. Because if I didn't he wouldn't cry as much, he wouldn't have to live with the guilt of hurting me. Yeah okay, maybe both of us were drunk but I could still function properly. I don't know what's my issue though. Why can't I keep my mouth shut in certain situations. Some things are better to be left unsaid, but no! I always have to say everything and it sucks because sometimes instead of improving the situation; it just makes it worse.

It was nearly 2 a.m. My parents already came back home and all of the guests left. I walked down with Jay and saw my parents sitting on the sofa.

"I'm going to walk him home since he can't really function." I stated, "Alright, just take care of yourself." said my dad.

We went outside of my house and our long walk began. We took a different road because Jay wanted to sober up a little before his mom would see him in this state. At least he was feeling better now; he stopped crying and was actually smiling again. Even though he couldn't walk straight and I had to basically carry him all the way to his house, it was fun.

I walked him all the way upstairs to his apartment, opened the door and stepped inside; thank God his mom was asleep. I dropped him on his bed not so far from Bruce who was already snoring. I helped him take his jeans off and tucked him in. As I was walking out I knew that he would wake up in the morning with a dry mouth so before I left I filled him a cup of water and placed it on his night table. The boy was already sleeping so I stroked his cheek with the back of my fingers and looked at Bruce who slept in the weirdest way possible. Once I reached the door, I looked back at them and smiled to myself. For some reason I felt happy, it brought me a lot of joy taking care of them as if they were so helpless and small- like children. Looking after these two idiots made me feel responsible and gave me the sense of belonging.