Never Heard

46.

09th June 2018

I hate keeping secrets that don't belong to me. Not because my personality is fake and I would go and spread it to the first random person I see and probably ruin your entire life but because I don't usually think before I talk and end up saying something I wasn't supposed to.

However when it comes to my own secrets it's a whole different story, I bury them deep inside of me and never let them out unless I really have to.

Which is why I decided not to tell Adam about Bruce, I know it's a shitty choice and I'll probably regret it because it's just going to hurt him even more but I didn't have any other choice. I couldn't tell him because he's already devastated about the fact that Mike and I kissed.
If I told him about Bruce; it would break his heart and I didn't want to witness that. I had to tell him some other time.

As me and my boyfriend sat on two different corners of my bed silent, I decided to start the conversation. "I just want you to know that I feel absolutely horrible for what I've done to you and I don't expect you to forgive me but I also want you to know that it'll never happen again and that I love you." 'Louise you fucking liar' I thought to myself as I finished apologizing to Adam.

There were a few seconds of silence until I felt him get up and sit next to me. The boy held my hand and gazed into my eyes, "Lou, I never loved anyone as much as I love you, you're my entire world and even though I know I should stay mad at you but I know that you mean whatever you're saying that's why I forgive you. I just really hope that it won't happen again." He finished and gently placed a kiss on my rouge lips. I won't deny that I felt relieved but horrible at the same time.

I'm not a liar, I don't lie to people; Everytime I do it's always for a good reason (which isn't a good thing at all if you think about it) what I did was an awful thing to do but I wasn't ready to break Adams heart, besides I did like him a lot. He made me feel really happy and special, something that I wasn't receiving for a long time; ever since me and my ex boyfriend broke up and that was 2 years ago. It felt amazing to be finally loved by someone. Don't get the wrong text idea though, I wasn't using Adam just to fix my broken heart or use him to satisfy myself. It was the opposite of that, because I did feel a connection with him and yes I know I've said it plenty of times and if you've stuck with me this far in the book you probably know that I make a lot of bad choices and most of my 'feelings' don't end well.

The good side of this is that Adam forgave me and we made up. Yeah maybe I threw a small 'make up blowjob' there but I won't write details about that; I don't think you'd like to read about that anyway so it's a win-win for me and you.

For the rest of the day Adam and I just laid down in my bed just talking about life and whatever there is couples talk about. NO! I don't mean that lovey-dovey stuff like 'oh my gosh babe I love you so much, I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with you' nah FUCK THAT! Adam and I have been best friends before we became a couple so we were talking about memories, the good days; the times where he was the shoulder I could cry on because Jay hurt me, the tips he gave me to get Jay to like me, prom, our hangouts, hours of Skype calls- everything. I felt like I forgot about my sudden attraction to Bruce, I had Adam right there with me but there was still something that was there in my heart; it made me feel empty. Something was missing...

I just didn't know what it was at that time.