Never Heard

56.

13th August 2018

I'm doing slightly better, unless we're counting the sudden panic attacks which I hope we don't.

I'm more relaxed ever since I got to Poland. There's just something about my home that just makes me feel calm, maybe the sound of the trees or the little rivers and lakes. The air is just different.

I was currently in my 'brothers' house. His name was Mark, I've known him ever since I was 2 and he was 5 at a time. Mark, his older brother Peter, eldest brother Tom, little sister Monka, our neighbor Derek and my sister have been friends ever since we were really little. We were technically family at this point.

"You're gonna do what!?" Questioned Mark as he threw his empty beer can in the trash while I was still enjoying mine, "Yeah, I'm dying my hair orange today!" I replied as I took a sip, I heard Peter laugh from the living room and Monka yell 'WHAT?!' from their second kitchen that was downstairs. "Lou, why? Is it cuz of that Isai guy or are you trying to impress Bruce?" added Mark, "Definitely Bruce." said Peter as he entered the kitchen with his bag of chips, "No, assholes! I'm doing it because I want a change, it'll make me feel better." I stated as I took the last sip of my beer, "Aw, our little Lou wants a change, oh wow you're so grown up now." mocked me Peter. Mark was 3 years older than me, Peter 5, Tom 8 and Monka was 8 months younger than me. "Fuck off Peter," I laughed, "You'll look like a fucking torch" commented Mark. "GUYS! I don't need your opinion, I just need y'all to support me." "Well first of all, I don't support that you're drinking so much. CHILD" Peter mocked me again as he ruffled my hair. "I mean, do it. If you think it'll look nice then what's the problem." Commented Mark as he sat opposite to me by their dining table. We spoke for a bit more until it was time for me to go for my appointment. I loved going to their house during summer, we grew up in a country side and their family were farmers which kind of made me a farm girl as well. I saw them everytime I was in Poland and there's no denying it that they always knew how to cheer me up. Even though, they also knew how to embarrass me. Peter was the first person ever I've gotten drunk with... purely regretted it and now he's the reason that I hate whiskey. So thanks Peter! I love you. After some more beers and a lot of laughter, my grandparents came to pick me up and we went to the salon.

I won't deny, I was feeling nervous. I mean new hair new me I guess? I chose that color because it's a really bright color, it'll boost my confidence knowing that 'I'm on fire' It's what I needed right now, a confidence boost after everything that happened.

I was going to start a new school year, and it will definitely have a 'fiery' beginning, acknowledging all the rumors and new dilemmas I was going to face. Maybe I was jinxing everything? Maybe nobody actually was going to believe these rumors because come on! Do I really seem like that type of a person?

I'm not a bad person, yes, I do make mistakes but I learn from them. I just usually don't really think before I do something which then results in the situations that I'm in. Of course what I've done was pretty bad; but am I really the only one they should be blaming, was it really that bad that I had to lose Isai over it? That's not what friends do right? Not to mention that I still have to tell Jane, unless she already knows because Isai had to open his mouth and she probably hates me now as well. Nah! if she knew she would definitely text me about it, or maybe she's planning to call me out in-front of the whole school, could she really be that smart, or evil? I'm probably just overthinking it. It's summer! By the time I come back to school the whole rumour will probably be gone by then, I mean who the fuck sticks to one rumor for months?

As long as all my friends were going to be by my side, I'm sure I'd be fine. I don't know if I should count Jay in anymore but I guess that this is going to be a new beginning. Some people enter your life- some exist for some absolutely stupid reasons and the ones that stay with you no matter what you're going through are the friends that you're going to have for life.

The one thing that I learned throughout this school year was, that you should not always believe the people who say that they'll be there for you no matter what. Sometimes, these kind of people can be the ones who cut the deepest. I learned that love isn't something that you should ask for, because you'll just end up getting hurt. Love is something that comes unexpectedly from the person you'd never even consider being interested in. Trust is more valuable than you can think; I know how this sounds 'Oh another pep talk!' but on a serious note- trust is something that you don't earn out of nothing. It's something that you have to work your ass for and it can be destroyed by the simplest of things. Let's say that trust is like a house made out of cards, it takes a lot of time and patience to build it but a simple exhale can tear it down into pieces. So before you give your trust away to anyone make sure that they're willing to put in that time and patience into building it and protecting it with all their strength.

If you've made it this far into my book, I think you deserve a price for sitting through all this drama. Honestly though, I can't thank you enough for finally being one of the people who have listened to my side of the story. This has been Louise Krawczyk, reporting to you live from the studio! I'm kidding.

Now all I got to do is survive this hectic new school year.

Yeah, I'm pretty fucked...