Never Heard

21.

03rd January 2018

The first few days of the new year and I'm already a mess. If I could count the amount of times I said 'I hate myself' in a day it would definitely exceed the number 200. Yes, I am being dramatic but I'm hurting a lot and that's how it goes. I mentioned it before "In 2018, I want to be a happier version of me, I want to be a happier Louise..." just like everything else I say it didn't work out.

I sat alone in my room; resting my back on my wall. My face was numb as the salty tears stained my cheeks, I heard my heart pounding and my heavy breathing filled my room. I glanced down at my left hip to see fresh red cuts. The tiny blood droplets poured out of the rashes. I felt sick looking at it, knowing that I've done it again and I hated myself for that.

The reason of why I did what I did?

I was just tired of life, tired of myself constantly being dramatic and hurt. I was tired of disappointing people or being a burden. I was just done.

I knew I shouldn't have done what I did so I raised my body from my bed and stumbled towards Emily's room. Tears still pouring down my face and sobs escaping my mouth.

As soon as I reached her I collapsed on my knees in front of her as she tried to calm me down while panicking. I couldn't talk properly so I just mumbled out 'I'm so sorry.' As I pulled my shirt up to show her my cuts. She cupped her hands and covered her mouth.

Her eyes got glossy as she removed her hands and said. "That's it. I'm telling mom." "NO! You can't tell her! She will send me away!" I said between sobs and muffled cries, "Maybe it's for the best, because I have no idea how to help you anymore..." Emily rested her elbow on her desk and covered her mouth with her palm as she breathed heavily.

"Lou, I don't want to loose you. However this!" She pointed at my hip, "Your behavior! Is getting way out of hand. I'm genuinely worried about you." She added as she got off of her chair and sat in front of me just to grab me quickly and pull me into a tight hug. I don't know what was I suppose to feel at that moment. I was both shocked and comfortable.

Tears streamed down my cheeks like tiny rivers as I poured all my heart and soul onto her shirt. The girl caressed the back of my head as she whispered 'Shh, it's okay...' into my ear. Once she pulled away, Emily gave me a concerned look and added. "If this happens one more time, I'm telling mom." I nodded in approve and wiped my tears away.

"I'm gonna inform Bruce and Joe though, they gotta talk to you about it." Informed me Emily and she got up and took her phone out. I went back into my room just to see my phone blowing up with texts from Isaiah and Joe.

🔥itsjoeee🔥- LOU! We gotta talk, come to my place now!

Louise👽- alright... I'm gonna be there in 15 minuets

Then I opened Isais chat...

iiisai🌹- Lou I swear to god if you hurt yourself again I'm gonna fly to Africa, buy myself a spear and shove it up your white ass.

Louise👽- don't worry I'm ok 🙂

I had to lie, I didn't want him to worry about me.

I left my room and went downstairs to tie my shoes and walk to Joe's. Emily followed me and played me Bruce's voice note.

"Hey Lou. I've heard about the incident that happened not so long ago and I'm gonna be honest with you right now. It was stupid what you had done, because look. You gotta open your eyes and see everything that is around you. You have a family, a house, amazing friends, you have a fish and a dog, great education but somehow all of that doesn't seem to matter because you decide to listen to thoughts that aren't even true. Lou, you are honestly an amazing person, you're funny, crazy, energetic and kind. I'm not bullshitting right now. You know me. However, I want you to remember that you are loved by many, even me, I love you bruh even though we are not as close. I'm always here for you if you need anything, I don't want you to be sad... that was a long ass voice, my apologies for that. Stay positive, smile because it looks good on you and yeah! Much love gurl..."

I couldn't help but smile to be honest. Not because the voice note was funny but because I felt like someone out there actually cares.

I wish the present me would be there. I would slap the past me off of the face of the earth and get some sense in her head.

I took my sketchbook to Joes since he insisted on bringing it. I rang the bell as soon as I reached his house. He opened immediately and pulled me into a tight hug. I felt tears run down my cheeks. My face was buried in his chest since he was way taller than me. "It's okay Lou. Tell me what happened." He said calmly with his deep voice.

We stepped inside of his house and sat in a living room since his parents weren't home. I wiped my tears and began talking.

"I just feel like the entire weight of this world is on my shoulders. I feel like I'm not good enough for anybody and I feel like a burden. The constant thoughts of people hating and pretending to be there for me out of pity just hurts so much. It's like I'm drowning in my own head, and nobody is there to save me. I wanna be happy, I want to be satisfied with life and myself but I can't because whenever I'm happy something bad has to happen, almost like a curse. It's as if the world doesn't want me to be happy. I hate life and I hate myself. You literally don't understand how much I hate myself. Okay I smile and laugh but I'm actually crying and yelling on the inside praying for that one person to come and save me." I managed to mumble out between sobs.

Joe passed me tissues and continued to listen to be.

"I just want everything to stop. I want someone to enter my life and show me that it's actually a beautiful thing. I need someone to hug me tightly and tell me how much they love me..."

"And you thought that person was him?" He asked.

I raised my eyes to look at him and see a concerned expression. I didn't want to admit it but yeah I did think it was him. That's why I was so hung up on him, so I nodded in response and began wiping away the tears.

"Lou, I know how you feel because I've been in love before and honestly it sucks. I've spent days, weeks, months crying over that one girl that couldn't return my feelings. I can't tell you what to do but trust me, you need to get over it. For your own good." He sighed as he continued talking.

"Nobody hates you, you are such a fucking lovable person. Look at you! You're funny, kind, a little bit crazy if you ask me but it's honestly beautiful! You are such a fun person to be around. I don't understand why you keep saying you're not good enough or perfect but what do you define as perfection? Everybody has different tastes, it's normal. I don't want you hurting yourself because your thoughts told you you're bad. NO! We can literally call everybody you know and ask them if they think you're not good enough, none of them will agree with what you're saying. We all love you Lou... we could die for you."

He continued...

I would have to write a 10,000 word chapter to fit everything that he said. I showed him my drawing and he torn out all the depressing and sad drawings that he saw. I was a little sad about it since they were basically my feelings but after what he said next I understood why.

"I want you to take this lighter and burn them, and when they are, I want you to imagine that it's all the pain that you've been storing up inside of you for so long and feel like it's going away." Said Joe.

I looked at the paper being devoured by the red flame and what once were my emotions, now it was ash...