Never Heard

19.

24th December 2017

I sat on the mattress by the bonfire until I got distracted by a group of people singing.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Louise! Happy birthday to you!"

I immediately looked behind me and saw Bruce, Vicky, Emily and Jay walk out of the shed with a birthday cake and lit candles. I opened my phone to check the time.

[ 12:04 a.m. December 24th, 2017 ]

I stood up from my seat and looked at all of them. Greg and Noah clapped their hands and cheered loudly together with Joe while Lee, Alex and Daniel were taking videos and cheering. I covered my mouth with my palm as I cried tears of joy.

No one had ever done something like this for me. I would wake up in the morning on my birthday then walk downstairs and was greeted with wishes and cake and gifts but I never experienced something like this with my friends and that was my deepest dream.

I smiled like a complete idiot and at that moment I forgot about all the things that bothered me. All my problems flew away and it was only me and my friends.

My eyes focused on the tiny flame of the birthday candle as Emily whispered, "Make a wish..." and my mind went blank, not really I had a few things in mind and I will not mention them here cuz then they won't come true. I thought of that specific thing and gently blew the candle.

Everyone started clapping as they wished me and hugged me tightly.

"Today we are celebrating Lou's birthday and tomorrow we will celebrate mine!" Added Alex, Alex was going to have his 17th birthday on 25th December. Amazing right? He's like an actual baby Jesus.

To be honest I finally felt loved in a really long time. I felt as if I belong with them, all my anxiety and feeling of never being able to fit in with them just disappeared. Like I felt that they care about me.

When I got home after that I immediately wrote it down in my diary and made New Years resolutions.

Like I know I shouldn't be making this because nobody ever sticks to their New Years resolutions but in the year 2018 I want to be a happier Louise. I want to fight and defeat my depression and anxiety and find love and peace. I want to be a better version of me- a version of me that people can rely on and feel safe with.

Once I finished I closed the diary and opened my phone to see a bunch of birthday wishes from people, from Isai and Jane and Adam, even from Jay and he was with me in the trap house. I swear I love all my friends, I finally feel at ease.

It was 2 a.m. in the morning so I jumped on my bed and tucked myself in as I drifted into an amazing and calming dream.

The silence woke me up, my eyes snapped open and I saw the blue sky. Clouds drifted at a slow pace and I realized I was floating on water. I couldn't move a muscle, I was completely paralyzed. Suddenly, I started sinking; my body now completely underwater. I saw myself slowly sink into the deep blue ocean. Still paralyzed, I could breathe- breathe underwater. Steadily, the surface got further and further away as I kept on sinking deeper and deeper.

At one point I could move again and all the ability to breathe underwater was gone. I began fighting for air. Obnoxiously trying to reach the surface as if I was crawling. I was too deep though, I couldn't make it. The only direction I was moving was down, as if some magical strong force kept on pulling me deeper. I saw my body sinking once again until everything went black and all of a sudden I heard a loud horrifying scream. Almost as if someone was being skinned alive.

My eyes snapped open as I panted loudly. I sat down in my bed and ran my hand through my hair. It was all a dream...

I'm having this dream way to often recently...