There's a song. Its a country song. I've been listening to music for the past few hours just trying to make sense of what's going on in my head. But we will get to that in a minute. In this song, it says, "we're like fire and gadoline, I'm no good for you, and you're not good for me, we only bring each other tears and sorrow, but tonight I'm gonna love you like there's no tomorrow". I would just like to point out how absolutely fucked up that is. That's insinuating that the woman that he's in love with is fire, and every time their around each other, he ignites. Here's the problem. I feel like the gasoline. I'm mot really useful like gasoline, of course, but he's my fire. Every time we touch, I ignite. Bullshit, right? Anyways, about the head thing. I've always heard to follow my heart, but keep my instincts in mind. I've always gone with what my heart says. My heart is usually always wrong, but I'm not to sure about this time. But my head, oh god, my head is reeling. Here's the three things that's been on my mind in literally, the last hour. One: it's getting cold outside, which means cuddle weather, and of course I'm fucking single during cuddle weather. Like, what the hell? Two: I need to eat something. I haven't been eating at all, really, lately, and I'm not sure why. I don't think I'm depressed super bad currently. I've definelty had worse days. But I just can't bring myself to eat, or sleep for that matter. And three: what am I gonna do? My heart is telling me for the first time in my life, to take a jump. To take that leap, and to say exactly how I feel. But my head is telling me, logically, to stop worrying about it. Its fairly clear that it will never happen so why bother thinking about it? But I just can't stop. I can't stop thinking about it. No matter what I do, or how I feel, or any other cheesy bullshit like that, I can't break this hold. I know what the right thing to do is. The right thing, would be to let it go. To stop feeling this way. To force myself to give up. And I've always tried to do the right thing. I am the good girl of my old group, anyways. The prude. The one who would watch all her friends drink because she had siblings at home waiting for her. The girl who didn't lose her virginity until senior year, and even to this day, regrets it. The good, Christian girl, who never even thought about shit like this. But my heart is telling me to do the wrong thing this time. To hold on just a little bit longer. That if I feel so strongly about this, I'll keep waiting. I guess my heart wins every other time so why not follow it now? So I'm gonna wait. And sit here and continue to do what I'm doing. There's nothing else I can do. Right?
