"Gotta stay high
All the time
To keep you off my mind".
If you've never heard the song, look it up. Lately this song has been keeping me afloat and keeping me sane. I'm turning into the person I've always said I wouldn't be. But at the same time, I'm busting my ass to get my life together. Boy problems? Shouldn't be as important as I'm making them. Drama? I shouldn't be as involved as I am. It's hard to grow up but it's even harder to grow up and realize just how fucked up you've been in the past. I have made so many mistakes and I have prayed to God to let me go back in time to January of 2018. Starting on New Years. I would change so much. I wouldn't have caused any arguments. I wouldn't have said fuck it and procrastinated certain things. And I wouldn't have stayed. I would've hopped on that plane two days after he left. Or, I would've went another route. I would have met someone sooner. I would have done so many things differently. But would I have been happy with either of those choices? If I had gone with him, where would I be right now? Would I be in college? Would I be eating at all? Would I be more depressed than I am? Or would I have suffered? Would I be miserable and hating myself even though I would be married right now? I don't know. And that's what I hate the most is the fact that I just don't know. Anything. There are so many different paths I could go on and I'm choosing one that might not be right, or it could be the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm a very patient person, but I'm so ready to just be successful. I'm ready to be rolling in money, and I'm ready to be thin, and I'm ready to be fully happy again without the help of anything. I'm ready to have someone fall in love with me, and I'm ready to start my life up with rhem. I'm a very patient person. But impatience is a drug.
