I used to write long and meaningful chapters. I used to write about the way my feelings have developed and it's nice that I have a written thing where I can see myself grow into the person I am today. Well. The person I was. I can't put my feelings out there anymore. I can't talk about them. I can't sit there and just say "oh I feel this and that way". I can't show them. Not because I'm not allowed and not because I'm a little bitch. But because the way I feel is wrong. I shouldn't feel this way and god knows I can't fucking help it. There's a game simulator that I've been watching Markipliar play. And in it one of the sims goes,"you telling me you love me feels worse than not knowing at all". That's me. I can't imagine hearing anyone tell me that in general. The hatred I fucking feel for myself has overshadowed any love I have ever attempted to give myself. I can sit here all day long and love people and care for people and show them how they deserve to be treated and I've shown myself that I deserve that to,but it's nice when someone else can do it to. I feel like because I don't have someone showing me these things that I'm not worth it. I feel like because I don't get that kind of attention and affection, and I don't get noticed the way I want to be, I'm not worth trying for. If you've ever felt fucking worthless. It's horrible.
