It's funny. When you ask me when did I get so mean. Why am I such a bitch. I used to be so nice. I think it's hilarious because you know the answer to that. You know exactly why I closed myself and my heart off completely. It's easier this way. Being a bitch and feeling heartless. It makes working my way through life a lot easier because I don't have to worry about other people hurting me if they refuse to approach me. With you it's tricky. You can see right through me. How I'm not that person. How I'm really not mean and heartless. So it takes a lot to try and convince you. I just don't see why it matters. Why do you give a fuck about me or the way I feel? It's genuinely not important. The way I feel and what I think and the way I act doesn't affect you in any way at all whatsoever. I've changed. I know I have. But the anger I feel about what happened...everything that has happened..has settled. Thank God I'm medicated. If not I would have done screamed and probably ended up back in the hospital. That's what stress does. And heartbreak. It makes me want to die to the point where I try to. I've changed because I'm much stronger than I used to be. The pain is bad. It's really bad. It's agony almost. But when has anyone ever given a fuck if I'm in pain or not? Back to my original statement. No one deserves my happiness. No one. But for some reason I'm still nice to you. I don't get it. But maybe it has to do with those surpressed feelings that I've shoved in a teeny tiny box. Who fucking knows.
