Might as well say it on here since I post everything else about my life. Honestly, the thoughts are back and they have been for a little while. I feel normal and okay again, but normal for me isn't normal for everyone else. Normal for me, is being 99% happy and 1% just don't want to live anymore. I don't think I'm worthy and I don't think I'm anywhere near deserving. Sounds fucked up but it's true. I haven't told anyone because I didn't see it as a big deal. But I guess it kind of is. I have complete faith and trust in the people I love. That won't ever change. But I will never trust anyone outside of those people. And I don't think the thoughts are ever or have ever fully gone away or will go away. I am pretty good at pushing them away, so if I feel like I'm perfectly fine for a while, it's because I am. But my clinginess or my bitchiness or my just all around emotional bullshit stems from those thoughts, I think. It's hard to push them back when all I ever do is fuck up anymore. I'm trying to be better. And I'll continue to keep pushing and trying even if it's the last thing I do. My dream doesn't only include love and happiness. It also includes being able to go about my day and not at some point wish I wasn't alive anymore. I have no clue why these thoughts continue because my life is going nicely right now. It's going really well actually. They just kind of appear out of nowhere. I hate them. I wish they would go away. But as long as I keep pushing on, and keep trying, I think eventually I'll be alright for good. Not just for a month or a few weeks. But for permanent.
