I know why I'm okay. I know why I'm perfectly fine. I haven't reacted fully yet to what happened but now I know why. I know why I haven't slept. I know why I haven't eaten. I know why thinking about him with someone else doesn't hurt as much anymore. Its not because my feelings went away. I'm numb. I forced myself to stop feeling completely. There's only one point in time when I feel. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I haven't cried in a while. Because I cant. I havent screamed in my pillow to stop the pain. Because I don't hurt. I am so viciously numb, I'm scared of myself. I hate feeling this way. The only emotion I can feel is the one thing I shouldn't. Its the worst emotion and honestly, its ridiculous for me to keep doing this to myself. I'm a big girl, now. Not everything works out the way you hope. So you gotta get the fuck up, and get the fuck over it because no one is gonna be there for you when you fall. You are all you have. I wish it would've worked though, for real. And even after this fairly aggressive note, I still have fucking hope. I'm literally the dumbest bitch to ever walk the face of the earth but my momma always says,"if you're gonna be stupid, you better be tough,". Good thing I have a suit of armour.
