It isn't real. No matter how bad my heart is begging for me to believe that it is, it isn't. My head is refusing to allow it to be. The happiness I feel wont last long. The future I want, wont become a reality. The way its going, wont last very long. These are the things that go through my head, especially late at night. I cant sleep. I know why. But it still sucks. Its amazing how life can be complete shit, and then all of a sudden, BAM. I'm suddenly getting everything I want? Suddenly, life is blessing me and making me happy? That's suspicious. Im not saying that I am not grateful for the blessings and the happiness, because I am Oh my God I am so grateful that im not sad anymore. Well, not as much anyways. Actually..no. I'm not sad, at all. I don't feel the need to be sad. I don't feel like I don't deserve to be on this Earth any less then the next bitch does. I feel...whole. And so, so happy. Happy enough, to where im not sure this smile will ever leave. And happy enough to where im scared. Theres a song I have on fucking repeat.
" He says hes nothing like the last one.
He redefines in every way what love is
She fell for him and hasn't gotten up since"
Its about a girl whos last relationship was god awful and shes struggling to be okay with being in love with the guy. She doesn't believe anything he tells her. She doesn't trust him. But slowly, over time, she does. I am in a similar situation but I have no reason to not trust this person. I have no reason to believe im being played or lied to or that its to good to be true. Theres reason to believe that I should actually. But this voice. It wont stop. All I hear is,"he deserves better." "Hes going to leave." "You don't deserve to be happy". How hard is it, to push those thoughts away, you might be wondering? Very. But at the same time, its like picking up a pin. Its super light and easy to carry, but you have to be careful. Or youll hurt yourself.
