New Struggles

Trust.

How?
How do you expect me to just forget?
Forget that you cheated on me, made me look stupid.
I was trying, trying to see a future where I didn't have to worry.
But all I can do is think of her lips on yours and your hand caressing her hips.
Make it stop.
You let me see your phone.
But in the middle of the night, all I see is that blue light lighting up your face.
Youre in bed with the girl you 'love' put the damn phone down.
I get jealous, it's who I am. I have the right to.
In public I feel insecure, more than usual.
I feel like you look at every girl that passes,
But you really don't.
My mind has a way of tricking myself into believing stupid things.
I just want to erase the moments you fucked me over and tore me down over and over.
The time where we got in a fight and on the way home in the car you yelled so loud.
Told me you cheated on me multiple times, told me that I can just go ahead and get back on pills. It took a long ass time to get off and the fact you threw it in my face, I felt stupid. I felt like I opened up too much. Not many just know that about me. Not even people I was friends with for years, and some still don't know, unless they read my stories. But what made it worse is your friends in the backseat egging you on. Me in the passenger start balling my eyes out praying this ride home went faster. You don't even know what I did that night. I dove like a bat out of hell. I drove like if I died oh fucking well. I didn't care. That day i fucked my whole transmission up. My fault, I just couldn't. I almost died that night. But your friend messaged me and asked if I was okay. Said that I didn't deserve that. Made me feel happy. I just idk, I wish I could forget those moments where you put fear into me. The moments you made me cry untill I couldn't breathe, and my eyes were swollen shut.
I just want to trust you,
And honestly I'm trying so hard.