New Struggles

the way love works.

So I changed some things about 24 hours ago. I broke up with the guy I've been with on and off for years. Not because I wanted to but because everyone around me hated him. Don't get me wrong there were times I hated him and just wanted him as far away from me as possible. And yesterday I did. I couldn't tell you the fight it was or what he said but it made me blow up.  So yesterday night I decided to celebrate right? Why not newly single and ready to finally be happy and not controlled or whatever else was going on. So I did. I drank and drank until I was finally drunk enough to lay down in my bed and not get up. I throw on some Netflix and lay down. Out of no where I just stsrt balling. Missing him. I don't know why or how but I did. I couldn't not miss him. We've had shitty days and good days. But he was always there for me. He was there for my aunt passing away and my cousin. He helped me through the hardest thing in my life. The night I got the phone call about my cousin shooting himself my mind went straight to him. I needed him to get me through this. There was no way I could do it. Of course I was all the way in Belleville when I found out with friends. They all helped and comforted me. But there was only one person I wanted. Sounds absolutely horrible and I know that. My friends did help though. But once I got home I just couldn't take it anymore. That next day he texted me and said he was sorry for my loss. And I broke. I went and seen him that night and he held be until I fell asleep let me talk about everything. Even now I want him. Today I hung out with that same group of friends. My newly ex constantly still texts me and tells me he wants to change for me, for us. I've heard it many many times before. But I'm sure I'll sound stupid but it was different this time. He didn't go out and find someone else or delete our pictures nothing like that. The whole day that's all I thought about was him. Seeing him when I got back home. But the second I dropped my friends off and started the drive him I started balling. Then it started to rain pretty bad and all I could remember was the nights where he would rub my back and tell me it'll be okay because he knew driving in the rain scared my stupid ass. Then as I got closer to home I stared realizing he wasn't gonna be there when I walked in my bedrokm door. So I got out of my car and walked inside. Of course my brother starts talking to me about everything and my friends. It's so fucking hard to not cry when someone is talking to you. I just kept trying to get him to stop talking to me. Finally he did. I walked in my room shut the door and it just came again. I fell to the floor balling. And I'm still balling. How could I want someone back who did so wrong to me. I'm sure everyone thinks I'm blinded by all the good things or I'm used to it or I just don't want change. But it's not that. I fucking love him and all his bull shit that he brought into my life. I wouldn't give back one fucking second. Even the times I felt like crap because of him. He is the only person I am 100 percent comfortable with. Like I can pick my nose or fart lol   it sounds to stupid lol but fuck. How can everyone in my life hate him. But I mean I get it he's not perfect but he never claimed to be. Everyone makes mistakes. Even me. I just wish life had a reset button so my mom and everyone didn't hate him so much and could just give him another chance. But I know that won't happen. But I guess maybe I just need to let it go but I can't. Why does love have to be so fucking hard.