New Struggles

Changes? Dad?

Okay so it's been a long while since I've written or even talked to anyone. I miss everyone I was so close with and yes I'm talking to you. I miss your smile and that nerdy laugh that always made me blush. But a lot in my life has gone down hill.
Well I guess I'll start with that. About 2 months ago, wow it's been that long.. my mom and dad have been getting farther apart. My dad left for a week and me? I didn't even notice he wasn't there. Pretty shitty on my part but how could I notice someone when it felt like they were never there when they were. It was a warm evening when I heard my mom yelling he has a ducking girlfriend. So I ran down stairs to see what the hell she was talking about. My dad, had someone else. He was hiding it for who knows how long. The amount of pain and anger I felt was outrageous. I instantly called my dad, he didn't answer. I called over and over probably about 40 times no exaggeration. So after I knew he wouldn't answer I texted him told him exactly how I felt. This girl he was with was on drugs. Defiantly not a female like my mother. This woman was a whore in simple terms. Has done every drug on earth and was on meth currently. So I asked him how he could chose her over his blood daughter. How he could just leave with no explanation. Well I said a lot more than just that. He read it no reply. So I sent another. Then I went for a drive bc I couldn't be in that house. So while driving I went to the park. Downloaded a texting app and called my dad. He didn't answer so I texting him pretending to be one of his friends and told him to call me. He answered me. I was balling yelling at him. About how he could do this to me and my mother and brother. He heard me crying and seemed to not care. I hung up on him I couldn't anymore. So after that I left the park drove on the levee and as I was heading home I seen him coming towards me. I slammed on my breaks. And so did he. I seen him. But to me I couldn't recognize him. He was thinner seemed doped up. I was balling. Begging him for a reason why. All he said was I wasn't happy and I haven't been for years. I asked him why stay if you weren't happy why not leave years ago. He tried to tell me bc he was waiting until I was 18 I told him I'm fuckin 19 wh not leave my 18th birthday. Told him why couldn't you have left when I was a child because maybe now I wouldn't be so fucked up in the head and so depressed. I always wondered about that if my dad left when I was younger. Would I be okay now or still so mentally messed up? Back to the story tho. Well after that great convo of me yelling at my dad face to face crying. I couldn't look at him anymore. I sped away and never looked back. Everything was kinda normal for the next few days. Just me my mom and brother in our home. We all started talking about moving somewhere else. In my head it was hard because I've lived there for 14 years that's my home. I didn't want to leave. So about 4 days pass.
It's aproxmently 3:35am when my mom wakes me up in a panic telling me to get all of my stuff packed now. Little did I know my dad had been there since 1:30am yelling at my mother telling her to get out of his house and telling her to get all her shit and 'her kids' out now. So I jump up and start getting the things that were important to me. As were loading up our cars my dad is yelling at us. So I yell back. He tells me I'm worthless and not his daughter and that my father died the second he slept with my mother. An hour goes by still not okay. He's yelling at my mom telling her to sign all the titles to our cars in his name. Saying anything and everything to degrade her so I stand up for her. That's my fucking mother. I tell him he needs to get off the drugs and get clean. I told him you are not the father I once knew. And when I said that he was telling me I should just go die and he wouldn't care if I did. So then my brother chimes in and tells him to fuck himself and he tells me brother he was going to shoot him so my brother yells at him to fucking shoot him. Now my whole life I've never seen my brother like that. Ever. It kinda scared me to see him that mad. Things got worse. He tried to lay his hands on my mother so I stepped infront of her and pushed her behind me. I looked at him and told him tears streaming down my face to hit me if he's hitting anyone. And he went like he was going to and just walked outside. Then came back in yelling more. Finally 5:37am it gets worse I yell to my brother to call the cops immediately. So he does. Now his gf was outside in my dads truck so I open the front door and yell to her the fucking cops are on their way bitch and slam it in her face. 20 min go by and no cops. I get frightened more. I tell my brother to call them again see where they could be. They said they were close so I went outside and flagged them down. Now, my father does a complete 180 like he didn't just threaten me and my mother and ask the officer what the problem was. He told him he was just coming to get some clothes. Which was a fucking lie. So I told the cop he just said he was gonna kill me and he's on meth and the cop told me to go inside. Like he didn't even believe me. So after that he finally leaves. The cops inform us he can't kick us out without giving us a notice. So we pack as much as we can and go to my gmas for the night. Next day we get in contact with my dad and he said idgaf what you take just come get it now you have an hour. So we get everything. All appliances everything. Leave him with nothing but the clothes on his back.
Fast forward a month. Still at my gmas. I am the only one in contact with my father. He lets me come get more things little by little that I left there. He doesn't hurt me or degrade me. He tells me he loves me. Idk why but I believe him. He hasn't changed and no I do not want to live with him. But he is tying. His gf thinks that I'm her daughter and that's damn wrong. But I know my dad is on meth. I found it in his house when I came to get my things. It hurt me deep. I guess actually knowing hurts more.
And in the mist of all of this my best friend of years blows me off. When my dad told me we had an hour to get our things. I drove to her house. Asked her if we could use her moms truck for the bigger items. Told her I'd give her gas money anything. And she looked at me with a snobby attitude and told me that she was about to take a nap. Now idk how that's more important than her so called best friend getting kicked out of her home. Guess I'm not too important to her. Also in the mist of this someone tried to jump me for god only knows why. And also I lost everyone. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I blocked everyone out because I don't want them to know how fucked up my life is. I don't want their pitty.
Now fast forward to now. We put an offer in on a house and it got accepted like 2 days ago. A little glimmer of hope to me. Too soon to celebrate because I know anything can be ripped away from you even your best friend and father. I'm happy yes but still not okay. I hate staying at my grandmas. I feel like an outcast. I spend all my time working and if I'm not I'm out driving or walking somewhere. Anywhere but there.
But now to everyone who I don't talk to now. No it's not you. I still care about you I still think about you. You're still on my mind everyday. I miss your smile and laugh. Even if it seems I don't. I do. My life is so crazy right now I don't want anyone to worry about me. I'm okay. Well somewhat as much as someone broken can be. I never admitted to being so broken. But I am. Now more than ever. I just want my life back. I want a home. And when that day comes. I'll be actually okay. My pieces might come back together.
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Now, just to clarify,  everyone can tell how broken you are no matter how hard you try to hide it. People who talked to me for years couldn't always since it though text. But I guess someone did notice in person. No matter how much I smiled and laughed. You seen through it. Which is surprising to me. I want to contact you, but I do not want to have to put you though my shit life. And if something happens where I don't wanna talk to anyone I don't want you to think it's because of you. Because it's not. My life has been hell these past 2&1/2 months. But I hope that if you need me you reach out. Text me, probly the one way I'll respond tbh. I just hope you're doing well. All of you.

1753 words and still could actually describe to you how bad this was. It's close no lie. I have tons of misspelled words and grammar mistakes but I'm not gonna fix them. So don't judge lol. This page in my book of life is probably one to remember. One of the worst things that happened in my life. Defiantly top 3 but I know you have to go through hell before you can see the light I just hope this house, this loss, is my light to get out of this hard time.

Well I hope that you guys can take from what happened to me these past few months and take something from this. Not sure what, but something I hope. I hope you guys have a wonderful day/night. Don't let things get you down no matter how much it seems like your world is crashed and burned anything can happen. Keep your head up loves 💕💕