New Struggles

5 Years Later

Today, probably one day I will remember for the rest of my life
Let me explain, 5 years ago I met a guy online. One of my best friends friends cousins. I know it's confusing. But this dude has changed me. He kept me up. Yes he broke my heart, he was my first I love you that I meant. Then he told me he didn't, only as a friend that's broke me down so much. The first heart break I had and I did not take that well at all.
Flash forward to sophomore year, we started talking again and it turned back to me smiling.
We fell out again.
Junior year, we started talking again, but this time he had a girl. I supported it because he was happy. Secretly I was pissed that it wasn't me. Then they broke up, I was happy but sad because I knew he was happy and now he felt like I did.
Senior year he got back with her. We fell out again. I got a new guy, we started talking again, he apologized many times for what he did. Trying to make it better. Yeah I felt better that he realized I was hurt. I accepted the apology. Because I couldn't be mad forever. Found out he wasn't with her anymore, but this time I had a choice. Break up with Tommy or stay with him. I made the wrong choice. I stayed with a manipulative, abusive piece shit. He choked me, told me what to do. Horrible right? But I couldn't let Eli know that I was going through that. I had to act happy.
A year after I graduated I told him everything. That I broke up with Tommy, but this time I was with Jon. A good guy seemed to be the best thing right? But 3 months in it isn't the same it seems. Texts getting less and less. Seeing him less and less. The I love yous all most gone. Kissing was weird barely moving, it felt over. I'm still with him because I'm in love right? It am I just scared to leave and get into something new. Maybe I just don't wanna be alone. But honestly I have people to keep me up. But, in reality I feel like he keeps me up a lot. Becky tries she does okay. I've talked to her Shannon and Mel about this. All say the same. That it's over and not saveable. But to me it's diffrent. I don't wanna leave, hoping it'll get better. Maybe he's going through something.

But now here we are, after 5 years I met Eli, idk what to say about it. I thought it would be awkward but it feels like I've known him forever which I have. But being in person it seems right. I smile. I laugh. I'm myself. After 5 fucking years it happened something I thought would never come. It's mesmerizing to think about it. How long it's been, and it happened. Wowza it's insane.

Well it's almost 4am so I should stop this now, goodnight, or good morning what ever time you're reading this.

Thank you