New Struggles

Part 194-490

So I've been putting off writing for awhile now. Not only because I don't know what to say or write but because I don't want to say anything to offend anyone.

So I've been doing a lot of self evaluation the last few weeks. I've been drinking every night it seems now. No matter if I work or not. Feeling numb helps me. It makes this world and this pain I feel go away. I've told myself countless times I'm not gonna be an alcoholic. But I guess we adapt right? As a recovering addict you gotta find that thing that cures the sadness. To be honest I don't think this life is for me. I constantly hurt myself put myself through shit situations. I think I'm addicted to the stress. It's an actual thing. It's crazy I never noticed. I remember being in high school and just hating my life. I remember this night for ever. It was either the summer before my freshman year or the summer after I don't remember for sure. But I got this wild message ya know. From someone I had no idea who they were. We talked all night. Felt like it was forever honestly. Literally about random shit. Eventually I opened up which was different for me. It was so easy with this person. I talked about my suicide stuff and just my fears my dreams. My home life. It made life a little less shit. Weirdly enough this person is the first person I just clicked with. Like if there was a person just like me just a male it would be him. We are both goofy as fuck and just thrive off of people's smiles and happiness. We both at this time feel like trash and don't wanna be here but stay because people would be sad. I get we both wish it was possible to not hurt anyone and to just see one another happy. But I feel we both are the reasons for our unhappiness. If things would have been different years ago it could have been different now. Who knows. But life is now. Life is not the past. There's no time in the present to worry about the past. What happened is done. You don't cry over spilt milk you clean that shit up and go on with your day. That sounded kinda mean but I don't mean it that way. I just mean what happened happened. FOR A REASON. the reason was not to dwell on it every night before we go to sleep. Or stare at the celling in the dark thinking about what could have been. You live everyday to see what could happen and get answers why it didn't happen. Life is a crazy journey. Ups and downs. Not one person can go through life without feeling down at least one day of the week. Fuck. I feel like this is just gonna be a confusing part. Like no one really gets it. No one understands why I do what I do. No one cares really. They just pretend it's a phase. That doesn't even make sense honestly. I really didn't know what I was gonna write whenni stated this. But it looks like a bunch of bull shit. I really hope it means something to someone. And doesn't offend you or anyone. If it does oh well I'm not gonna apologize for how I feel.  Anyway welcome to my Ted talk ✌️