New Struggles

??

Okay, I don't really know where this part is going to lead. But it's just gonna be a whole lot of things in one because I can't really make my mind up on what exactly I want to talk about.

Here we go, today is where we'll start, the present. Well I hung out with 2 people I haven't seen in awhile. It felt amazing to drive and vibe with them. Today was also my bfs last day at our job. That had me kinda in my feelings already, then I met up with my friends and I got more so into them.. Idrk why. Like I do but I don't. I know the past is still in my mind. It's been 4 years with these 2. There was the fall outs the breakups. But all in all I love them both. They contributed a lot to who I am today. They stuck by my side, even if it was just one of them. I always had one. Now I kinda have both. I say kinda because one I barely talk to, and the other we talk everyday but it still seems Meh. I want to hang out more, but we both have busy lives. I get it, but it shouldn't be this hard. I remember when he used to be right across the tracks. The night of homecoming where all I wanted was to see him and he left and went to Dennys. I made that sign and stuck in by his car so he knew. If he didn't already. The times we'd hang out and not talk. Just sit and say hey what do you want to do? For literally 2 hours no joke. I miss that kinda. Now I know he's there for advice. Like today I explained where I was, he tried to gice advice. I know he thinks that it sucked but it didn't. It meant a lot that he listened. Now with the other, we've had our fights for sure. The times she did things that I couldn't forgive her for. I still haven't. I want to but the days are still going through my head like a shitty song on repeat. Stuck in my head when all I want to do is forget. I love her, she was one of my best friends. I told her everything. Literally. She told me what she did right after the messages still flowing through my head like it was yesterday. I still feel my heart drop when I think about it. How could someone so close to me do that? I understand where she was coming from, but why. All I remember from that night was balling my eyes out untill I couldn't anymore. The instant rage that lit inside of me like an endless flame that would never quit. It's still there, it's smaller but still there. I still never expressed how much that hurt. I try to just keep it out of mind but how can I? The person you love and your best friend. I need to get off this topic but it gets me so fired up.
The past, us 3. Never have I felt so detached from them. Both on their own lives. Back then it was so simple. They day where we all got high and I kept smacking her because I was so slap happy. The days where her and I would get high in her room using a makeshift scent shield. *ya know the cardboard thing at the end of your toilet paper with a dryer sheet attached so when you exhale you don't smell weed* those nights were the best. The nights I'd sneak out and go see him and drive around and vibe no real destination. I'd never trade it.

The one regret I have, saying I never cared. I never directly said it. But it was shown. I acted like I didn't give a fuck about them because I was hurt.

666 words wowza if that's not bad luck idk what is. This is it I guess. Untill tomorrow. Goodbye.