New Struggles

i crash, u crash

I never thought that it would be like this now. You, and I not speaking. Well now we are, everyday for maybe an hour or two when we wake up, then when we go to bed. I just wish shit was diffrent I guess. Regret, always on my mind. I remember everything, literally everything. Every message, the first time we hung out. I swear it was the best days of my life, and it always will be. I just know that someday I guess we'll both be happy. I know you are, or at least you're getting there. Then there's me in the same situation I'm always in. The one where I don't know what to do. The constant overthinking, I remember when you used to be like that. What happened? How did you get to where you are now? You tell me you're getting better, you have your days. I need help, and you know you're one of the only people that can give that to me. What happened? Seriously, what happened where now we barely talk. We say good morning and goodnight sometimes. Catch up on our daily shitty Jobs. Tell each other that it'll get better, but we know it won't. You were my best friend, the one person that I went to for everything and anything. You were there for every one of my attempts to commit suicide. You talked me through it. Even though you may not have known I was on the verge, you talked to me. You showed me compassion, you kept me from falling of the edge. You helped me get my life back on track then you left. Or I left, or we both just stopped trying. I don't really know what happened. Take that shit back, I know what happened, I put other people above you and that's shitty. That's the thing I should never have done to you. I fucked you up and I never  really apologized for that. But if you're reading this I am sorry. You, man if you knew what went through my head those nights, the nights that were so cold and dark. I just thought it couldn't get any better, but then I'd message you and you'd listen to my feelings, you'd give me feedback and let me know it will get better. I remember when we'd go on drives for no reason just to drive. Go to random ass places and vibe to tunes. I'd show you new songs, even though you didn't like the music you dealt with it because you knew that I thought they were fire. Even the ones I would message you and tell you this shit was fire asf and tell you to listen to them, you would. Even if it was 3 months later lol. I'm happy you're some what back into my life, I truly am. I hope that this time we stay talking. Even though we never hang out, I know we both have busy lives. I don't know what I'd do without you. When we stopped talking I was getting lower and lower. I wanted to relapse, I got to that point. Then the thought of you popped into my mind, and I relized why I got clean in the first place. You told me, that I could get through it. You told me you needed me here, not dead in a casket. You, you knew how to help me at my lowest. And you still do. I don't know why I'm writing about this honestly. It's pointless. I can't do it anymore. I can't act like the past is just in the past. Because the past had never felt so much like the present. I feel like just yesterday we started talking. Like you have no idea how many times I've read out old conversations just to remind myself how much you really did care. How much I took for granted. How could I just stop trying? I was so dumb for that, we had something that was irreplaceable and I threw that shit away. I used to think that it was you and me till the end. Forever together, forever you and I helping each other and constantly talking. Always asking if the other was good. Then it changed. It was all so fast that I couldnt grasp it. You gave me hope, you gave me courage to stand up for what I believe in. You let me be myself, the person I strive to be. The one person who told me to follow my dreams and never let anything stop me. Is barely in my grasp, I can feel you slipping away, we talk less and less everyday. It seems we only do it for the snap streak now. And I can't handle this. I can't handle the fact that you might not be in my life forever. Not having you in my life forever isn't something I think I could do. I need you in my life. You brought so much to my life, you made my shitty attitude not so shitty. I sit now wishing for a miracle, a shooting star.

For us it was always equal. If you crashed, I did too. We both pulled each other out of the dark. But as soon as we fell out. I fell so deep into the darkness, and you, well you had enough strength to keep the light.
Fuck, please I pray every day that one day I won't have to. I pray that I won't have to worry about a thing. That you'll hold me down, you'll keep me in check. You'll let me know when I'm tripping when I'm being dumb.
Looking back at the story of us, I don't see the ending. Will the ending come? Will it be like a fairy tale where we're best forever? Or another tale like Shakespeare always ending in sadness?

I guess in time we will find out, how the story will come to an end....

If it ever does.. 🤙