New Struggles

honesty is the best policy.

So I haven't been so honest with myself lately. I'm so afraid. Losing that stupid excuse for a man. I always wanted to leave. I got the opportunity, and I took it. I ran and I'm not gonna look back now. I know I'm better off. But I get so sad. I don't have a place to go when I get off work. I don't have a reason to wake up early on my days off. I have nothing to attend to. I let my feelings get in the way of my life. I wish I could just start over do shit right. I attached myself to shit people in my life. It's so easy for me to get attached now. There's a guy I guess I've been talking to. He's cool, nice ,and funny. But it seems there's only one person I'm never gonna lose that love for. And I compare. And no it's not the dickhead who broke me. It's a person who's been with me through thick and thin. I'd be lying if I didn't say I loved him more than myself. Seeing him happy I mean shit it fucks me up but in a good way. It's beautiful honestly, he's beautiful. He gets down on himself and I hate that. But I can't say shit bc I'm the same way. He's perfect in every way even though he doesn't see it. The words he uses for shit. Like he helps my best friend and her husband a lot. He talks to her husband and tries to get him to realize that he needs to fix himself or just leave ig is the words. Idk. But anytime they do that in a separate room I just sit outside the door and listen. His words just flow out of his mouth so easy. He can talk to anyone, help anyone. It's honestly so attractive in its own way. One time as I was listening through the door his words made me ball like a baby lol. Not because it was sad just it hit home. I know nothing will ever be the same between him and I. But I love being his friend. And I don't need a relationship. The guy I'm talking to now is all about rushing. This guy just got out of a 8 year relationship. Yet knows he wants to be with me. But is that what I want?  Yeah he's funny and whatever but I compare. He's not him. Who was there when I got that phone call about my cousin. Who made me smile when I just wanted to cry. Who was there when I felt less than myself. Who was there when my dad kicked me out of my house. Who was there when I just needed to vent. Who was there when I felt alone. Who was there when I just wanted someone. Someone to listen to music to, someone to fucking listen, and actually listen. My head plays tricks on me. And I just don't know wrong from right anymore. I can't bring myself to push people out of my life. I've let this guy go before. And it hurt.  Hurt worse than when my dad told me he basically didn't love me. This man, fuck he deserves the world. I know I can't give him the world, so I step back. I know a girl will come around and they will live happily ever after. And I know someone will come and give me the world. If it's meant to be ig it will. We make mistakes but they don't define us. Everyone fucks up.

This is just a bunch of shit but honestly. Idk. I keep putting myself in the place to have temporary people. Like this guy I've been talking to he's more temporary than anything right now. Idek what to do. This guy like he's like me open and similar home life.  But he doesn't know me. We talked about our lives for hours yeah. But idk. I just have mixed emotions and I don't wanna send mixed signals to anyone. It's hard when people don't understand why I say shit. Like I just want to be alone not in a relationship there's no need to rush. Yeah I want to get married and have kids someday but I'm 21. There's no need to rush the "happiest" years of my life. At least that's what people say. I just want to be happy. I always felt I needed someone to be happy but I don't. I need to love myself but the only time I see the beauty in me is when I'm with him or Shannon. They make me feel like I'm actually somebody. Like I'm needed to them. And other days I just feel like a bother to them both. I know I can be a lot for people to grasp. I'm different idk. Fuck I go back and read that long ass paragraph you sent me because of some stupid post on Facebook I posted and it makes me cry to this day. I don't know what I did to deserve you and Shannon in my life but it's something I thank God for everyday. I hope you are hanging in there. You'll  never be alone while I'm still alive and breathing. I love ya dude. I hope this makes sense. A bunch of bull shit on my mind I guess it was time to get it off my chest. It's been awhile since I have. I'm glad that things changed between us and that we can hang out and text on the daily now. Don't ever lose yourself, you are perfect to me and that'll never change. Live that life of yours to the fullest. I can't lose anyone anymore especially you. Without you by mysjds I'd probly curl up in a ball and just die my dude. You mean a lot to me like the whole entire world. I hope none of this comes off the wrong way or anything. I just needed to let this go. Let this out. Because honesty is the best policy right?