Therapy: Session 2 [Personal]

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so this is gonna get really weird and rambly and overshare-y and probably kind of confusing so if you wanna stop now you can, but it may be worth a read? idk man

here's the tea

i'm starting to be in a really weird place with my gender and identity.

i'll explain.

so i'm born female (oml like none of you knew) but i've always kind of wanted to be a boy. when i was little i really really wanted to change my name (to ariel) and i also wanted to be able to pee standing up. and then in middle school i really started to realize that i wasn't fully a girl. but i also felt uncomfortable with the idea of being a boy too. so i settled on gender fluid. that was enough for the time being but it was pretty uncomfortable.

throughout eighth grade i struggled a lot with gender (and struggled a lot in general) and between eighth and ninth grade i settled again on the term nonbinary.
i loved it! i decided that i want to use they/them pronouns. it was actually around this time that i made this account and put "they/them/theirs" in the biography.

so yeah. if any of y'all og's remember i originally went by dillon (which isn't my birth name so i don't mind telling you guys). it's the name i use in school (under a female gender) and it's what all my friends call me.

so ninth grade was generally pretty uneventful in that sense. i got a little uncomfortable as dillon being my preferred name and through a somewhat long process i decided that theo would be my preferred name. i kept that quiet until the summer between ninth and tenth grade where i told my internet friends and eventually changed it on this account.

so fast forward: september 2018 i come out in the GSA at my school as nonbinary and tell them that my name is theo. so now a group of 5-10 kids at my school are calling me theo. and for the first time, i'm saying out loud, "hi my name is theo". which is weird.

fast forward more: may 2019 i get a job and due to legal reasons i have to go by my birth name at my work. so now a group of 20 or so people (including my family) is calling me my birth name.

so now i have three names. birth name, dillon, and theo. so far, dillon is the one i'm most comfortable with. which to me is wrong. i chose theo for myself. not as a nickname, not as a shortened name, as a name. out of every name in the world, i chose theo. so i should prefer that. right?

but i don't.

at my GSA, i still can't respond to it very well. whenever i try to introduce myself as it, i stutter and usually miss something else important. and when i think of myself, it's with the name dillon. it's been a fucking year since i picked it out and told my internet friends it. i should know it by now. but i don't.

and i remember that when i changed between my birth name and dillon between elementary and middle school it was hard. that took a long time. but this, i don't know. it feels harder this time. maybe i'm not remembering correctly since it was almost 6 years ago? i don't know. it feels weird. not the name, the transition.

but i don't know.

and another thing, my identity is changing as well.

last summer, while i was choosing the name theo permanently, i was having a bit of an identity crisis. and by a bit, i mean i completely shaved all my hair. if you don't remember that, here's a few reference photos.

before identity crisis:

after identity crisis:

so yeah. that happened.

i also have fallen really heavily into makeup, and it especially hit that summer.

throughout this year, my style has changed a lot and as my hair has been growing back, i've been feeling more feminine. but i don't necessarily think that's the best way to put it.

long story: i identify as nonbinary but i am more specifically bigender. which is defined as feeling the presence of two genders. for me, it's specifically a mix between male and female. so i've always been overcompensating with masculine gender expression to make up for the lack of masculinity in my physicality. so from seventh grade on, it's been black t-shirts and dark skinny jeans.

this year i've really branched out and started wearing color. yellows and pinks, and even a dress! yes, for the first time i bought a dress for every day wear, not for a dance or anything. it's yellow and i love it.

so rather than saying i've been more feminine, i think i've been more comfortable expressing my femininity. and it's all because i shaved my hair. and i learned that my identity isn't fully dependent on my appearance. plus i've been more confident since i've shaved my hair. i learned how to not hide behind my hair and actually be myself. and myself is pretty fuckin awesome (sometimes).

okay i've gotten really off topic and i don't know how to explain it so i won't. so if that whole spiel made zero sense to you, here's it cut down to the bone:

i've been expressing myself as more feminine lately.

mix this in with the fact that i'm feeling uncomfortable within the name theo.

all of this has culminated together to make a big mess where i'm starting to feel a little wonky about my gender identity.

but i'm not going to change how i identify. i like nonbinary, it makes me feel good and represented. and i know that i'm dysphoric. sometimes it's just my head not matching, sometimes it's feeling like my body's out of place, but mostly it's been social dysphoria.

going by my birth name at work makes me really uncomfortable. but the worst thing i can hear is someone using she/her pronouns for me. i hear them a lot at work, and i hear them everywhere since i'm not out. and it hurts. so i know for a goddamn fact that i will use they/them pronouns whenever applicable.

so, to end this long ass thing of thoughts, here's my takeaways from this whole issue.

my gender identity is evolving. but i'm still nonbinary. i'm just a different version of myself.

i love y'all, thanks to those of you who read it all.

<3 <3