Therapy: Session 2 [Personal]

// 107

i am so so so proud of dan

and i am so so so proud of phil

both of them have inspired me for 4 years now. i have been watching their videos since 2015, the ripe days of fetishizing them and thinking it's okay.

it's not.

for some reason, all of the phandom thought it was okay to do that to them. i'm glad that around 2017-2018, the mindset changed to realize that wasn't okay. i can't imagine how seeing that stuff made them feel. i speculated that they both were bi, but nothing was confirmed so it just stuck in the back of my head.

anyways, they've made my life so much better. when i started watching them, it was just casual. i didn't realize how happy they made me. then, later that year, i was forced by my parents to stop watching youtube. i managed to get my hands on a copy of The Amazing Book is Not on Fire, but other than that i was completely cut off. the following year, 2016, was without a doubt the hardest year i've had to go through so far. i missed them. but i was forbidden from watching them.

later in the year (around august-september), i was at a brand new school. i had no friends. at lunch, i sat alone at the end of a lunch table. i decided to go against my parents and started watching youtube again. i watched all the old videos i missed out from them, and between danisnotonfire, amazingphil, and danandphilgames, there was a lot.

dan and phil were literally my only friends that year.

i eventually got my parents on board with the idea of me watching youtube again. so going into ninth grade, i was free to watch youtube again.

then in october of that year, dan opened up about his experiences with depression. i was beyond blown away by that video. it inspired me to start taking better care of my mental health, which has been a long, hard journey that's still a struggle. but it's been better. compared to how i felt in eighth grade, i'm a whole different person now. and i owe part of it to daniel howell.

i somehow managed to grab tickets to interactive introverts with one of my friends. i didn't have to spend a single penny and i am so so grateful for her amazing family. it gave me something to look forward to, dare i say, even something i lived for, for a whole year. i waited another 8 months and then the show day came around.

it was one of the best days of my entire life. i got to see my favorite people. and sure, i didn't meet them, but i was in the same room as them. they were on the same time as me. they could have looked me dead in the face. i got to hear them say things that no one else has. i got to hear phil say "furry porn" and dan immediately after scream "philip michael lester!" and that makes me feel blessed. and just the fact that they were there too, not just through a screen, made it two hours that i will never, ever forget.

by the time the song rolled around, i sobbed so hard. it's been over a year since my show and damn do i miss that moment. but i'm so glad it happened.

now it's pride month. they both came out as gay. and i am so unbelievably proud of them. they've helped me through so much in my life. i'm so glad that now i can show them my unwavering support. i will defend them to the death, because they have saved me from that so many times.

i've struggled with my sexuality, but that part of my life is over. i came out almost 4 years ago, and do i regret parts of it? absolutely. am i still glad that i did? yes. do i still have to struggle with being out and facing harassment? yes. but am i hopeful that it will al be great? of course.

but i am still so terrified of coming out as nonbinary. some days, i see it as something that won't be that hard, i just have to be prepared to deal with assholes. but other days, it seems impossible. i feel like i'll never be able to be open about it. but dan and phil, and their stories, give me so much hope that one day i'll find someone who will love me and support me and make me feel safe.

so thank you, dan and phil. for everything you've done for me in the past, and for all the hope you've given me for the future.

i'm so proud of you both.

love, theo.

<3