𝖍𝖆𝖑𝖋 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖛𝖊𝖓, 𝖍𝖆𝖑𝖋 𝖍𝖊𝖑𝖑

Mazikeen #47

Waking up from a terrible nightmare, again, I was breathing hesitantly. I was really dizzy but that didn't matter. Tony was not here to hold me back - nobody was, so that was my chance to fix things with Steve. I knew this little compass thing was, in a for me not understandable way, important to him and I had destroyed it. I remembered the hurt in his eyes as if I had torn him apart with what I've done. Never in my life, I felt that bad because of a human. I stood up blinking the black points away, which made their way right in front of my eyes. Slowly I went from door to door looking for that one damn person I had to see right now. Finally, I spotted Lucy, sitting there with Natasha, eating sandwiches. I looked over and saw Steve, talking to Bucky. I gasped as he turned his face to look at me through the glass wall. His expression was exhausted and I didn't have to touch him anymore to know what he felt. I wanted to turn around, leave this building and to never come back but I knew I had to apologize to him and if it was the last thing I said to him so I opened the door and felt all gazes on me.

I was barely able to walk straight but I made steps towards Steve and Bucky. Barnes placed his hand on Steve's shoulder, then walked off to let us alone. Finally, I reached him, nearly breaking down to the floor, because I was so exhausted. I saw his hand raising to catch me, a wave of sorrow came from him, but he tried to hide it behind a cold face because it hurt his ego. If this would have been a different situation I would have smiled at this cute reaction but not now. »Steve... I'm so sorry.« I said with a shaking voice. He looked surprised as if he didn't expect me to apologize. Understandable because it didn't happen often. As he didn't respond I felt bad and as uncomfortable I felt I had to hold on his muscular shoulder to not fall because I was so freaking dizzy. Steve sighed and finally allowed his face to show me his feelings. »You should go and rest Mazikeen, we can talk later.« He said and took my arm to help me. I shook my head, maybe a bit too fast but I kept it together. »No, I am truly sorry Steve.« I repeated but no other words than sorry and Steve made it's way to my damaged mind. I felt tears coming up which I tried to suppress desperately. »Come 'ere« He whispered, pushing me towards his chest, pulling me up easily. »Don't bring me back, please, don't.« I said with more desperation in my voice than he could handle. »There is so much light I can't.« I started to sob into his chest, feeling his heart beating, not knowing what he should do with this broken part of myself. He placed his big hand over my head, letting me feel safe in his grip to calm me down. »No one is gonna hurt you.« He said the sentence that Tony always told me when I was having an attack. »I don't care about anybody else apart from you, Steve.« I finally pronounced the first time, cringing about my own words because it was really difficult for me to talk about my feelings. He stopped at my words, standing in the middle of somewhere, looking down to my face. »Ugh, the light!« I complained and he quickly put his hand back on my head and started walking again. »Right, sorry.« His beautiful voice echoed inside my head. He brought me back into my room, turning down all lights and closing the curtains.

Steve lay me down on my bed, sitting beside it on a comfortable armchair and watched me. »I'm sorry Steve.« I told him because I wasn't sure if I had already said it or just thought about doing it. »I know Maze, it's alright.« He whispered into the darkness and a smirking expression appeared on his face. »No, I'm not mad at you.« He stated because I probably looked a bit confused. »Peggy... She was great. She really was and it was difficult for me to get over it but I did and I don't need this compass anymore.« His warm, calming voice made it really difficult for me to stay awake. I was surprised by his reaction. I know I shouldn't have felt that way but this answer brought relief upon me. I've never met Peggy but I didn't like her because I was jealous. I knew it was wrong but that didn't matter, I wanted Steve to feel that way with me. This was a completely new experience and the feeling of having a reason to live was unfamiliar but I really started to like it.

I must have fallen asleep sometime because the next time I opened my eyes it was much darker than before. The curtains were open again and I watched the stars for a moment, flickering in the sky. I felt much better now, even though I had a terrible headache but this feeling of numbness and fever was gone. I stood up, recognizing that Steve still lay in that armchair. I smiled at his cute, sleeping face, his chest regularly rising and falling. He looked so alive, even in his sleeping state. I walked over to the balcony, carefully to not wake him up.

Moments passed, minutes, maybe hours and I just let the darkness comforting me. Suddenly I felt an arm on my shoulder. I wanted to flinch but I kept it together. My eyes were closed as I lay my hand on Steve's chest, feeling his heart racing. I smiled and let my mind drift into his. He was unsure, nervous and there was a certain worry to scare me off. My hand wandered down his chest, slowly grabbing his hand. I recognized a small tension of his other arm. He wanted to grab me by my waist but he stopped himself. Finally, I opened my eyes, looking into his captivating eyes. We didn't say anything. There was nothing to say at that moment. It was a comfortable silence and both of us didn't want to break it. There was a desire in his eyes, which he desperately tried to cover but he was still just a man. I grinned and pulled him towards me. Someday I had to overcome my traumas and with who if not Steve. I grabbed his face and placed my lips on his, feeling the speed of my heartbeat rising. At some point I pulled away, this was still new to me and I didn't want to rush things. He wasn't disappointed, quite the opposite. This short, slow kiss was more than he had expected and I finally saw that smile, I loved so much, appearing on his face.