Complicated Freak ✓ h.s

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my inspiration has gone so bad that I'm now planning out chapters in the shower

when and what age were you when you read smut for the first time? I was around the start of high-school, I was shook out of my mind

Loss. It's something common amongst humans, animals as well. Some people feel happy all the time while others don't, some feel sad while others don't but loss, loss is something we all feel. We experience the gut wrenching sensation that loss brings with it, so much so that it feels like every single bone in your body is breaking but your heart thrives just so that you could feel that excruciating pain over and over again. When you're little, a kid, the thought of losing something or someone seemed so farfetched because you never thought it would happen except for that moment when you accidentally left your favorite Barbie doll in the park. As a grown adult, that thought becomes reality, it's so close in your grasp that you can't seem to run away from it. It's inevitable. When that thought sinks in, sometimes the only thing you can do is embrace it with the numbness and grief that it adorns you in.

"Addy?" The sound of Scott's voice broke my train of thoughts "Hmm?" I looked up at him to find a bouquet in his hands, those were Mom's favorite "Where do you want this?" I felt my lips twitch with a smile seeing the white lillies amongst the yellow daisies. "Uhm, over the casket" He nodded and walked away while I sat on the bed, a framed picture of my mother in my hands. Her smile was so beautiful and bright that day, it was the day I graduated high school. She made sure to buy me the cutest and most perfect dress even though I warned her that nobody would see it because of the blue gown but she was adamant. More eyes were on her than me that day and I didn't mind, she looked stunning in her red halter dress, her hair was tied up into a bun and her infamous red lipstick covered her lips complimenting her smile and brown eyes. "Babe? It's time to go" I heard Harry walk into the room

"I miss her already" I sniffled and his arms immediately wrapped around me before pulling me closer "She didn't deserve that, Harry. She didn't" My voice shook and I fisted the lapel of his coat in my hand. He kissed my forehead as I rested my head on his shoulder, "She's in a better place, without any pain but she's always going to be with you, Addy. Would you rather want her suffering like she was or at peace?" He consoled and my frame shook, my eyes burned from the unshed tears "I know, I just wish I was there for her. It's not going to be the same anymore" I muttered, wiping my nose with a tissue I held in my hand "Everything will be okay, sweetheart. It'll just take some time. Now come on, we have to go" Harry said then pulled me to my feet when we had to leave for the funeral. I put my weight onto him as we walked and he didn't seem to mind, he just held me tighter around my waist.

Upon reaching the church, the benches were already being filled with family members, close family friends, neighbors and work colleagues. Most of them looked at me with sympathy as I walked in, I don't want their sympathy, I don't even know half of them. They weren't there when Mom fell sick, they didn't call to find out how she is, they don't deserve to be at her funeral if they didn't care about her at all. I didn't realize that I was at the front of the church until Harry pushed on my shoulders for me to sit and so I did. The priest had started talking from the podium but I couldn't move my attention off of the mahogany casket in front of me. My grip on the armrest of the bench was so tight that I felt Harry pry my hand away. He held both my hands in his, keeping them on his lap and I took note of my father sitting next to him, his eyes had been focused on the priest who stood next to a canvassed picture of Mom.

"Hey, why did you move back here?" Harry asked, sitting next to me as I slid into a bench at the back of the church "I can't sit right there, near her. I just can't" I shook my head, feeling my eyes sting with tears but none fell, half of my mind in denial that she's really dead and this was just a big nightmare, nothing else. "Okay" Harry nodded and did nothing else but wrap his arms around me, I rested my head on his chest and watched the service. My mind was empty yet so full at the same time. From my line of vision, I could see the bowed head of my father's, his shoulders shook slightly and I knew he was crying. My aunt sat beside him for comfort and I knew that I should be there by him, the one to shoulder this with him but I'm not. Cowardly, I'm sat at the back when I should be his pillar of support but I can't, it's like every step I take towards my father I'm reminded of what he did and I pull away, ten steps back.

A few hours later, we all retired to my house for tea and crumpets but all I wanted to do was scream at them to leave. I walked up to my room, Ella was by my side while my father got Harry to help him with a few errands. Harry's championship is in three days and I've told him he doesn't have to be here as he needs to he preparing for it but his stubborn self didn't listen to me. "I miss her too, Ella" My voice croaked as I petted the puppy's head, she hasn't eaten for the last two days nor has she left my father's side when he's not surrounded by people. "Come here, baby" I patted my thighs once I sat on the bed and she hopped on, curling up on my lap "Don't cry, Ella, please" I pleaded watching as her forehead furrowed, dried up droplets of tears stuck at the edges of her eyes. I wrapped my arms around her before sliding down on the bed so she's now next to me, her tail was draped over my waist.

I woke up the next morning, pushed myself to have a shower then headed downstairs into the kitchen, "Good morning, Mo-" I cut myself off when I took note of the empty kitchen, the habit I had of calling out to her as the first thing in the morning has to stop. She's not here anymore to make me her famous omelets or mouthwatering pancakes. My shoulders slumped and I drank a glass of water, taking note of my aunt who walked through the backdoor. "Oh, Addy" She cooed before engulfing me in her arms, probably expecting me to cry but I haven't shed a single tear, I couldn't will myself to cry even though my eyes felt like they were on fire. "How are you holding up, sweetie?" She rubbed my arm and I nodded slowly "I'm hanging in there" She smiled "What would you like for lunch? Is that boy of yours coming over again?" The manner in which she mentioned Harry made me frown

"Why do you sound so hateful towards him?" I sipped on my water "I'm not being hateful, honey. It's just that you preferred to sit on his lap rather than spend time with your father, he's also having a hard time dealing with your mother's death" I felt my blood boil within my veins but I held myself back from saying something that I'd regret. I stepped out the kitchen and into the living room, where Ella sat, I grabbed her leash and she ran towards me. Knowing what to do, Ella turned so I could clip her leash on and once done, I headed out the front door. I ran with her towards the woods, ignoring the worried look the puppy gave me and reached the clearing admist the tall bark structures of oxygen. I stood at the edge and the bubbling anger I had inside of me along with the pain I felt in the last few days tumbled out my mouth only to leave a scratching sensation in my throat as I screamed. I fell on my ass, Ella perched herself next to me as I sat at the ledge of the hill.

My chest felt lighter, almost as if I had gotten rid of the burden I was carrying on my shoulders. I stayed there for a few hours until Ella barked at the sunset, "Just a little longer, El" I ruffled her fur and she huffed by blowing out air through her nose before placing her head on my shoulder. I watched the sun drop, hiding behind the horizon as the twilight sky disappeared along with it, engulfing me in the dark of the night. I stood up and walked back home, Ella was tired from the long walk so I fixed her a bath - something to distract my mind. After that, I curled up under my covers for the rest of the night while Ella ran into my father's room. Being alone in the dark had the gears in my mind working. My throat started to tighten, I couldn't breathe properly and my chest ached. I felt the bed dip next to me before I recognized the strong arms that wounded their way around me and I buried my head in his chest, "I'm here, baby. I'm here" Harry whispered in my ears and I - finally - broke out into sobs, my hands fisted his shirt as tears streamed down my cheeks.

thoughts??