How They Are Defeated In YA Books

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Jade: just shoot her. Let's be real, how else are you going to defeat the fearless, quick-thinking Jade West? The girl could survive an apocalypse armed with nothing but her sweet moves and a quip about how the zombies look like Tori. When the point finally comes to look down at her stomach and find blood on her fingers, she demands you don't rush to her because she doesn't want to go out like a YA cliche.

Robbie: allergic reaction, duh. Wouldn't even have to be on purpose. Wouldn't even have to be done by the antagonist - his sidekick could give him the wrong kind of coffee and he could choke reminding everyone he's deathly allergic to pumpkin spice.

Tori: push her down a flight of stairs. Kill her off in the way she would have always liked to die: being a main character in a soap opera that's been on the air for so long that the writers have run out of ideas. You swear when she tumbles, she even shouts out 'ah dios mio!' to which you lean over the stair railing and stare at her incredulously.

Beck: teach his next door neighbour how to play the trumpet. That boy will be up all night from the incessant noise, and thus will be easier to pull a sneak attack on. Think about how dead inside he was in A Christmas Tori from that incessant cricket camping out in his RV, then multiply that by ten. Now you've got a good opportunity.

André: crossbow, like a good old fashioned modern classic. No doubt he would congratulate you on such an iconic defeat - he would even support your celebratory slow-mo march out by playing 'Mmm Whatcha Say' on the nearest keyboard before he finally stops breathing and falls to the floor.

Cat: lace her food with poison - it's how her family get her to eat 'yucky green food.' She doesn't taste the bitterness of the poison when she eats all the food you give her - gummy worms, roast spuds, porridge, and others, best to have a wide margin of random food she likes - and doesn't even notice you emptying a ring of liquid poison into her milkshake. It can't be this easy, surely?

Bonus - Sikowitz: lay out coconuts in a line that lead him to an extremely visible and obvious cell. He doesn't even realise; he's so blinded by the thought of countless free coconuts he doesn't notice the heavy, chunky metal bars falling loudly around him. He doesn't even notice when you come into the room dressed like Blofeld from James Bond at the door, stroking the prop cat from Sikowitz's own prop box, smiling maliciously. He just continues trying to prick the surface of a coconut with a straw.

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