tryst // h.s

thirty six

Chapter thirty six

Harry

I don't think I've ever fucked up this bad.

I'm well aware of the fact I've messed up badly with Zara in the past. It all started when I first met her and I guarded my feelings because I thought it was just some temporary infatuation that would pass like any other time.

Ever since then I've been the biggest coward in the world. I tried telling her countless of times but nothing played it off in my favour. The constant fear of rejection was very present on my head as a lighthouse. As if I was lost and about to say something to her, that kept me from doing it. I can't even explain it because the only valid reason I have is that I was afraid of losing her.

Now I'm still afraid, but to lose her to someone. And I shouldn't say anything because I need to respect her and her decisions but I'm selfish and I don't want her to be happy, unless it with me. But then the rational part of me says, she should be happy and I can't interfere because what Zayn said it's true. She deserves to be happy and I can't be in the way of that.

When her assistant called me that night and I heard Zara felt something for me I was confused. I needed a distraction and decided to avoid thinking about her by partying and being a jerk, not only to Zara but to her too.

I wanted to run, I wanted to scream and mostly I wanted to be there with her. Telling Zara that I felt the same about her or even more so but I physically couldn''t. I was miles away stuck in that Island and decided to wait. I didn't call her because I didn't want to be suspicious and rat Cassie out because I know for a fact that she didn't tell Zara.

After those days that I resolved what to do I called her. Many times the line was occupied but mostly it just went straight to voicemail. I took a plane back to London and went straight away to her flat and she was gone; all of her stuff were gone. I called her one last time and her phone had been disconnected so I thought that she didn't want to talk to me.

I didn't blame her, though. She was right, I did ignore her for a long time.

And I couldn't possibly begin to imagine why, If she felt that way about me, didn't she do anything or at least told me about it for herself. Which made me reason that I can't put all of this on her, none of it really. I did exactly the same thing but even worse, because I subconsciously pushed her away.

She left tour more than two weeks ago right after what happened with Zayn and it made me ponder some stuff. I don't know if she's coming back and asking him it's not the smartest choice given that he told me to back off.

But I've been doing some progress and I'm trying to make amends with her. Get back on her good side before it's not too late. I decided that I'm going to tell her but I can't just blurt it all out of nothing because I know that would definitely push her away for good. Zayn will probably kill me but at this point I've got nothing left to lose and I won't hurt her, at least not intentionally.

''So, are we having a party after the concert?'' Michael asks and Louis nods confirming. This was our fourth date in London and we still had some shows left before finishing the UK part of the tour.

''Yeah, since the concert tonight is earlier and tomorrow is our free day we thought I'd be cool.'' Liam announces and they all acclaim the idea. It's basically the whole crew, us and some other people closing down a bar to have a nice outing.

''Is Zara coming?'' Calum asks Luke and I dissimulate not to be hearing but I'm all ears.

''Yeah, Zee texted me earlier. Said she'd be here tonight.'' He answers with a smirk on his face and I get the need of punching him in the face. I'm not a violent guy but he's talking about Zee. My Zee.