tryst // h.s

twenty nine

Chapter twenty nine

Harry

There are a few things I never thought would happen in my life.

Just like, finishing school, going around naked on national television, being in one of the biggest boy bands right now, having two studio albums, my nude being leaked, winning awards, traveling around the world as my job; those sort of stuff.

The type of things that seemed to be so incredibly impossible happened. Yet, I never thought I'd be doing this.

I never thought I would be stopping Zara from kissing me.

As much as it pained me to detach from her but I just couldn't do it. Not like that.

She was vulnerable, tired and emotionally drained. All she needed was comfort, and I was there. She doesn't like me, she just needed my comfort and I wasn't going to take advantage of that.

I took me so much time to actually accept the fact that she doesn't want anything with me that I'm not gonna let anything, not even her, come in the way of the advances that I've made. Because settling with only being her friend was actually one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make on my entire life.

I needed space from her. Because even though I love her, being around her just made matters so much worse. I keep on making the same mistakes, without even realizing it now. Anytime she needs me I'm there; every time she calls, I answer; every time she cries, I hug her. Because that's what friends do, I can't entitle myself with much more.

I had to learn to push my feelings away for the sake of our friendship, but I did it for a much more selfish reason, for the sake of my sanity.

I decided to take the easy route out, not fight for her and silently suffer the consequences. It took time and a lot of meditating because I can't be away from her and that is a fact. I played safe and conformed with being her friend; if I don't tell her my feelings there's no chance of her running away from me. I need her close and even if it's not the way I want to, it's enough. Because losing her is not something I can afford.

I've been dating and it keeps me from thinking about her so much. It takes my mind off her, even if it's just for a couple of hours. Countless faces with names I don't even care to remember.

Am I a total hypocrite to be with other girls if I only want her? Maybe.

And I'd love nothing more than to be with her in that way but the reality is not as I'd like, so I have to keep my part and be her supportive friend.

But then again, nothing compares to the sensations that roamed through my body when she kissed me; because she kissed me, but she wasn't herself.

Her hot breath on my lips and the taste of her mouth on my tongue, like savouring strawberries and champagne. Or maybe strawberry champagne, but that's besides the point.

It might have lasted for a couple of minutes but it took me months to get over. The feelings that burst inside me as she pressed her pouty soft pink lips against mine. For a second there my mind went blank, it was just her and I kissing each other softly as we savoured the sweet paradise that felt being connected in that way. She needed me and I was there for her but then it quickly turned into something so much more; she wanted me.

And fuck, did I want her too.

But I also know her. I know that she does impulsive things when she's not being herself. She holds the record for having the worst taste in men and now I know is because she makes bad decisions. I can't judge her.

I'm behind a girl that will never give me the time of day and that I pursued her for almost two years and now I'm done. I don't want to but I can't live like this, not anymore.