tryst // h.s

thirty nine

Chapter thirty nine

Zara

Forty one.

That's the number of texts I got from Harry right after the concert finished. He knew better not to call me, and I appreciated it.

I swear it sounded as a joke.

Him having feelings for me is something I never thought possible and when he finally said it sounded unreal. To be honest, I don't believe it for a second; not because he would lie but because there's no precedent.

It felt as if it was brought out of nowhere.

You don't ignore someone you like, you don't wait until they are in a relationship to confess your feelings; and most importantly you do apologize for being an asshole.

Because I avoided calling him names for so long because no one deserves to even be thought in that way but he truly was an asshole to me. I defended his behaviour for so long and avoided facing the truth, he hurt me and I acted as if we were fine but we are not.

I need him to apologize for the way he treated me months ago; I didn't deserve it. I tried putting it past me but I now realize I can't. The funny thing is I don't think he has realized that he didn't even say sorry. I thought I didn't need him to but I do.

Acting as if everything was just like before was a mistake; we are not the same.

Ever since I started talking to Luke he was there, confusing me. And maybe he didn't do it on purpose but I don't find it plausible that, if he did like me for a long time, why didn't he do something about it? He partied, he slept around and he got himself a girlfriend; it doesn't make any sense to me.

But the worst thing of the entire situation was the fact that I lied to myself. I thought I was over him but I'm clearly not. It affected me way too much but I can't let him play with my emotions.

I don't think I'll be able to take it.

Luke was a complete different topic.

It's twisted because he gets jealous, yet he goes around girls like they are disposable. That's an attitude I didn't like but what I said was true, the lines are messy and we aren't really together.

However, I thought it didn't affect me but it did. I don't know what's wrong with me and why do I keep getting hurt. Harry is right, I'm naïve. I trust people that doesn't deserve me and I end up in the same place.

I keep seeking for something I'm never gonna get and I don't know why.

Every guy I meet just uses me and I blindly fall for them. I pretend I'm cool and chilled with having no label but having no label means having no limits, and I can't take it anymore.

Even though Luke didn't respect me, I know I'm better than him and I have to talk him before I talk to Harry.

Yesterday at the concert in Manchester after Harry told me Luke had been shamelessly going around other girls I thought I didn't bother me and at first it didn't.

I guess when Harry said he had something important to tell me, I thought it would be that he liked me so I was left disappointed for a brisk second but then it hit me.

It happened, again.

And at this point it doesn't hurt who did it, it hurts that I keep on letting this happening because I'm clearly not enough. It seems never ending for me, a cycle that I'm not being able to break. I might not be getting fucked over professionally speaking but there's people still taking advantage of stupid ittle Zee's innocence.