tryst // h.s

forty nine

Chapter forty nine

Zara

I feel like Harry is hiding something from me.

And I swore to myself that I wouldn't be paranoid about it but I can't contain it anymore, it's been going on for too long.

The afternoon, after we had that unpleasant encounter with Jess, was a nightmare. I had been feeling terrible for the past days and I wasn't in the mood for any confrontation, yet it was all I could achieve that day.

Harry got in my nerves about unimportant stuff but it hurt me because it shows how he clearly doesn't trust me. He didn't say anything in particular about it but I can tell he's not a hundred percent secure about me and it made me wonder.

Because I'm trying my best here, it's not painful, that's not it. It's basically how I'm putting all my best efforts into something he'll never see as enough. I'm doing all I can to show him how I feel about us and that I want to be here for him, but he's distant and he's been shielding himself from me.

Every night we go to bed together, he reads.

He spends hours concentrated and solely focusing his attention on his phone. I have no clue what he could be doing there and it's not any of my business, his doings on his phone, doesn't concern me.

But I come closer to him, with no intentions to snoop around or see what he's doing and he gets jumpy. He immediately locks it and tries and distracts me, which at first I didn't see as something bad but this has been going on for a month almost and I can't take it anymore.

And I'm not a jealous person, I've never been one and I have no intention of turning into one because I don't see it as a positive thing. However, I can't help but feel worried.

Added to the fact that he doesn't seem to be trusting me, sentimentally speaking, he doesn't trust me with whatever he's hiding and I don't know what to do with myself.

Seeing Jess after five years wasn't pleasant either.

It brought back way too many unwanted memories and feelings I don't need to experience again. I blew up because I felt overwhelmed and I know it was wrong of me to explode up at Harry without any reason but he got me mad with the comment he made about Luke.

If he wanted to so desperately known, he could have at least asked me another time I'm not about to say I'm in love with him too.

I'm one hell of a patient person but he got on my nerves and I called him stupid, and I've never felt so bad after doing it because it's awful. No matter how much he deserved it, it didn't sit right with me.

I guess honeymoon phase is a real thing but now it's over, and I wasn't ready for it. This past month hasn't been as good. He barely has time for me but when he does we either have sex or he's reading shit on his phone.

Also having my period a couple of weeks ago, while on the road it's not cute. Even worse when you are sharing a tiny toilet with five guys, that may I add, pee with the door open and they even go together. Not like girls do, they raise the lid and they pee together.

Do you know that moment in the relationship when you become one of the bro's instead of the girlfriend?

Well, that's now and thank god for Gemma and Liam's girlfriend for keeping me sane. Don't get me wrong, I love the boys to my very soul but man, they are nasty, still, they are so much fun.

It's hilarious how Harry loves to be treated like a baby, but not when the guys are around because he says it makes him look weak. I personally enjoy embarrassing him by calling him cute names to see how much he blushes and the rest of them make fun of him.