For You, Amor

Chapter 10

NAGPAKAWALA ako ng isang malalim na hininga nang makita ko ang pagpasok ni Froilan sa convenience store isang Sabado ng hapon. He was carrying a bouquet of roses. I knew immediately what brought him here.

He gave me a gentle smile when he approached me.

"Flowers." He handed me the bouquet.

As far as I knew, most people will stop being around you after you ignored them a lot of times. Being ignored repeatedly will kill them inside. It will hurt their ego. It will make them so embarrassed at themselves.

But I guessed not everyone are like that.

Here was a man who proved to me that a person could fall down a lot of times, but could easily get up if the will to stand up is strong.

Walang reaksyon kong tinanggap ang bulaklak at hindi na siya tiningnan pa. Ilang linggo ko na siyang pilit iniiwasan ngunit hindi pa rin siya sumusuko. He was so persistent. He was the kind of person who doesn't easily give up -- that was what I noticed.

Nagtagal lang siya ng ilang minuto sa store at nang makaramdam na ayaw ko talagang makipag-usap sa kaniya ay umalis na rin. I didn't know if he was just respecting what I wanted or he realized that he was already looking so dumb in front of me.

"Kain tayo? May bagong bukas na burger shop sa Morayta," aniya isang araw nang matapos ang huling klase ko.

Nagulat na lamang ako na nasa labas siya ng classroom at naghihintay sa akin. Tamad akong umirap at dumiretso lang ng lakad. Sinasabayan niya naman ako.

"May pupuntahan ako," tipid kong sagot.

"Where? Hatid na kita."

Umiling lang ako. Hindi siya natigil sa kasasalita.

"Kain muna tayo. Baka gutumin ka sa pupuntahan mo."

Hindi ko na siya pinansin. Nakalabas na lang kami ng school ay patuloy pa rin ang pangungulit niya.

"Promise, it'll be quick. Right after we eat, I'll willingly drop you off--"

Hindi ko na napigilan ang pakairita ko. Huminto ako sa paglalakad at inis siyang hinarap.

"Why do you have to be so pushy?"

Umawang ang bibig niya at hindi nakapagsalita. Hindi nakatakas sa paningin ko ang pagdaan ng sakit sa mga mata niya. Lumunok ako at tinatagan ang sarili.

"You are becoming so annoying." I looked at him straight in the eye. "And I don't want that."

Napayuko siya. He shifted on his weight. It seemed like all his confidence was suddenly blown by the wind.

"S-Sorry," mahina niyang naiusal. "I just... want to be around you... always."

Parang kinurot ang puso ko. Napahinga ako nang malalim dahil para akong pinagkakaitan ng hangin sa samu't-saring emosyong nararamdaman ko.

"But I never want someone around me," sagot ko. "Sanay na akong mag-isa. Hindi ko kailangan ng kahit sino." Nilunok ko ang bara sa lalamunan ko. "So can you stop? Please?"

Muli siyang napaangat ng tingin sa akin. May iilang mga taga CEU ang napapatigil at napapatingin sa amin. Ang iba ay kunwari pang hindi nakikinig pero halatang-halata naman.

"Bina-basted mo na ba ako?" the pain in his voice couldn't be denied.

Humugot muli ako ng malalim na hininga bago mas tinapangan ang sarili na sumagot.

"Oo. Basted ka."

Hindi siya nakapagsalita. Nanatili ang seryoso niyang tingin sa akin na para bang gusto na namang basahin ang nilalaman ng isip ko.

"Ayoko ng boyfriend. Ayoko ng kahit sino. I know what I want and you're not included. These things you're doing right now need to stop, Froilan. This whole fucking courtship doesn't even make sense to me at all."

Nanatili ang madidilim niyang mga mata sa akin habang pinakikinggan ako. It was taking me a lot of courage to say these things to him even though something was dying in me.

"Hindi kita gusto at hindi kita kailanman magugustuhan. So please, just please, tigilan mo na 'ko. I don't want to talk to you again. I don't want you around me anymore."

False.

I like him already.

I always felt happy when we're talking.

I was already used having him around me and I would always want that, if possible.

But I was a stupid scared cat.

I didn't want to take risk. I needed to stop whatever I was feeling for him because I was scared that it might go something deeper until I couldn't pull myself up anymore.

Prevention is better than cure, that's what they say -- and I would always be a firm believer of that. I never wanted any more complication. My life was already too complicated to accept more distractions. I, myself was already complicated.

Kaya hangga't maaga pa, dapat nang pigilan.

"Sakit mo namang magsalita."

My lips parted at what he said. Ako naman ang natulala lang sa kaniya ngayon.

"Ganiyan ka ba talaga katigas, Amor?" Nagpalipat-lipat ang tingin niya sa mga mata ko. "Bato ka ba, ha?"

Marahan akong napakurap. Hindi na ako nakapagsalita. Hindi ko kasi akalain na magagawa niya pang magsalita sa kabila ng lahat ng sinabi ko.

"You really don't care about anything, do you? You don't care about everyone -- about how they feel. You are so self-centered and independent to the point that it's making you heartless already."

Nag-init ang sulok ng mga mata ko. Kumurap-kurap ako upang pigilan ang mga nagbabadyang luha. Pakiramdam ko ay may humampas sa dibdib ko dahil sa sinabi niya.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagugulat pa ako sa mga sinasabi niya. Ilang beses na akong napagsasabihan nila Tita at ng mga anak niya tungkol sa ugali ko. They said that I wasn't really nice at all -- that I was cold. That I was very hard to please, feeling so high of myself, thinking that I was always right.

I didn't know if I should agree to them, but I was aware that I knew myself better. I just knew what I wanted and I didn't want anything to get in the way. I was frank, I admit. I say what I want -- neverminding what they think or feel. And I knew my worth. I never liked wasting all my energy to things or even people that shouldn't matter.

"You don't have to be so mighty and cold-hearted all the time, Amor. It's not wrong to have someone in your life!"

Ayoko nang marinig pa ang mga sasabihin niya dahil bumibigat nang bumibigat ang dibdib ko. Tinalikuran ko na siya at mabilis na akong naglakad. Narinig ko pa ang sinabi niya habang papalayo ako.

"Tangina, ang hirap mo namang mahalin!"

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