Titania's Love Story

Chapter 56: My past

Okay everybody I'm going to share my past with you guys,  not like my past of what I went through in the chapter but my childhood life up til now.  It's not something I'd rather not talk about but this is for a friend that felt the way I felt....

Ever since I was a baby bad things happened and I didn't know about,  my real father who left me and my mother took me to a drunk party letting everyone hold and kiss me.  My mother was hella pissed off at him,  than a guy came along it was my step-dad who I thought was my real father for many years but it was a lie when I found out in 5 grade.  I saw my real dad my mother was pissed off from the look she gave him.  I really didn't understand what happened between my parents cause I was a kid plus I have bad comprehension problem.  All my life I never knew why my heart rate kept beating so fast and I felt shakey when my mom and step-dad fight.  I always took care of my mother at the end wiped her tears when she cried,  making her smile doing something silly or get her favorite food to make her feel better.... I still remember how we lived with my grandmother for awhile cause of him. My step-dad was abusive to my mother and I but I didn't know I was getting abused by him, verbal, physical ,emotional and sexual. I was in the darkness for many years and never knew how to express my feelings. My mother was scared of him and so was I, the things he's done to her and me and later on my sisters... All the smile and laughter was never real it was fake.  I never truely smiled nor laugh from the heart and soul. One year I broke down in my freshman year I started to cut myself during my try-outs for a dance team at my school. I cut my arm for the first time I seen my own blood wanting to know what pain feels like from the pain I felt. I couldn't hold back anymore I told my mother I cried in her arms. I was lost and scared,  all my feelings was locked up inside my heart not knowing how to express them. The day before my 15 birthday he pushed my mother and she broke...that's when she wanted to divorc him.  My mother and I got nee phones and I never spoke to him not he's what done. We stayed with him until my mother found a place but in the same area.... My grandma was scared something might happen to us,  so she called the police in Texas and they showed up at our front door. She the officer told us to pack our bags and stay in a hotel.  I didn't mind it but I was still broken from the inside out; it was hard for me, my mother and my two sisters. We was still going to school no matter what happened.

During spring I cracked I cutted myself in class during the final semester I wanted to die after everything that happened in my family no one needed me anymore nor what I was living for.  The girl at my school suicide herself in the school cause people judged her... I was suicidal for what I was going through. When my mother heard this she scared for me,  so the school sent me home where it was just me,  my mother and my two little sisters.  Two people showed up at my door later one that same day and it turned out I was very suicidal than I thought even for my mother.  They told her to keep an eye on me and I won't be going to school the next day,  so that next morning I showed upstairs my mother panicked and found me after I was done with my shower.. I was dressed and got my backpack but than I remembered I wasn't going to school. I was sent to a mental hospital seeing other people like me but with their own issues I wasn't alone,  staying there for teo night made me realized everyone struggled with something. My mother and grandmother visited me to see if I was okay... My doctor released me on memorial day,  but I was still taking pills for my sleeping and anxiety.  That's how I found out I had it my heart speeding up and my shaking the nurse told me and my mother I was diagnosed with anxiety. After they released me I went to counseling but not just me but also my sisters including my mother we was all struggling and suffering... But while I was in that hospital I started write out of no where like Shakespeare or something... It turns out I was writing a poem of my pain... That year was the hardest year for me I cried infront of my teammates and they saw the poem I wrote I couldn't handle.. That's why I felt like I'm just a waist of time to everyone or not wanted by anyone who loved me nor who I was dating.

Times has turned when I saw FairyTail and I had found myself a new meaning of life also what to live for.. I couldn't die just for how I felt I had to live one for those who needed me.. That's why I put on a brave smile to hide away my tears and shield my heart in amor like erza.  I never got to be truly happy in my life cause I always try to make other people happy other than myself.  I always put other peoples happiness before mines. It's always been that way for me