The Richardsons

Video #23

"I don't have a lot of self confidence. Physically. Maybe because of how beautiful my sister and mother are, and I got assigned the weird genes. Yes, I know that I look ugly. To be honest, I have more insecurities than you think. From my hair down to how my body looks. Yet, I don't care that I look like a roasted pig, I live with it mostly."

My self confidence was always a struggle. Some days I loved myself for who I was and other days, I hid in the shadows.

After Alexa's scare with an eating disorder, I became scared of the scale. Seeing Alexa go to the scale 16 times a day was scary enough, hearing her scream when the number suddenly went up was alarming. Because of that, she became really destructive and broke at least 6 scales in frustration, saying that the number was wrong.

Last time I checked, I was 121.4 pounds. The number does sound high but keep in mind that I am 5'5.

Alexa is 115 pounds and 5'6. She hated gaining weight and tried to prevent herself from gaining weight but mom and dad kept her under close watch. Freshman year, she went from 78 to 90 in 3 months. She did it healthily, aka she drank tons of water. And then, she became more comfortable with food. And since then, she has a fast metabolism.

We had to weigh ourselves today in gym class, so that's why I'm thinking about it.

It was my turn and I stepped on the scale.

120.2 pounds.

I don't know what I did, but I lost a pound.

Unlike Alexa, I'm not a total health nut. I was just raised where healthy food was more common than junk. Truth be told, I never had McDonald's until I was in 5th grade. It was gross anyways.

At lunch, ever since Cassie and Adrian saw me with my hair down, Cassie wants to play with my hair.

"Your hair is so pretty! And is it naturally straight? Oh my goodness! You should have it down all the time!"

I only have my hair down for formal events.

And you're probably wondering, why do I have my hair in a messy ponytail all of the time? And why do I like ponytails?

Mom would always do my hair when I was a baby and she would always put a ponytail in my hair. Or pigtails when I was really little. Even looking through all of my schools yearbooks, I always sported a ponytail.

When I got to 6th grade, mom slowly stopped doing my hair. That's when I started doing my signature messy ponytail. Mom did my hair for picture day, first and last day of school, exam days, and field trips. Every other day was me.

She would brush through my hair and tell me that I have my dad's dark auburn color.

"You have such a beautiful shade of auburn, just like your father."

At the time, I was confused.

"But dad has brown hair."

She would giggle.

"He dyed his hair when he was young and he really likes brown. Your father is a man that doesn't want to stick out like a sore thumb. But, you have your dad's natural hair color and my eye color, the two unique parts of us."

But that's not the reason why my self confidence is low at times.

In elementary school, the girls were mean. They thought that a girl like me shouldn't be in the school because I don't dorm. I lived 50 minutes away from that school, and the rule was that if you live 1 hour away from the school, you must dorm.

They would ask "What town are YOU from?" And I would say "New Bedford." They laughed at me by saying. "Oh, your parents must be cheap because they can get away with not having to dorm you!" And then they would boast their towns. Northampton, Winchendon, Fitchburg, Holden, Westfield, Sudbury, Greenfield, Spencer. I remember that it was the first thing that they made you say in History in kindergarten, and that was what you were known for until you left that school. All a competition of distance, and you could live in a small town in West Massachusetts and be praised for no reason at all.

They called me "cheap" and "poor by distance" and one day, they saw my mom pull up to the school and pretended to be nice.

"Bye, you should go to a school in your actual town than here."

I knew that I should have lied by saying I was from Great Barrington or Worcester.

The comments got meaner. They made fun of my eyes, my height, my weight even. Pulling at my hair because they think I look like a bald Barbie. I didn't cry in front of them, and let them beat me up, lying to my mom that I tripped on the track field or fell down the stairs. I cried in the car and told my mom and dad as soon as I got home. They considered calling the principal, but I told them no because they'll bully me more if I snitched on them.

So, I took on the pain.

"Even today, getting compliments makes me feel awkward. It's like I don't deserve them at all." I told Adrian and Cassie.

They were speechless.

"How could they do that to you?"

"Why would they make fun of where you live? That's stupid. And most of their towns are shacks." Cassie snickered.

"They were fueled by terrible and narcissistic parents. What more can I say? It's like they were Alexa, but Alexa is a sigh of relief compared to them."

We all laughed.

"I wish I could've gone to public school." I sighed.

"Why didn't your parents pull you out?" Adrian asked.

"Alexa." I sighed.

"Why not after she graduated that school?"

"My parents kept me in because they thought the bullying was subsiding. Turns out, they were wrong. It got worse."

"But the good thing is that you are here with us." Cassie put her hand on my shoulder and Adrian smiled back at me.