Forgiveness, Trust & Forever

Hero

Reality. That is what I am facing, a whole new reality.

I ended last year believing that I would be able to have it all, the perfect home with my beautiful fiancée, our close-knit families, my boys, and this amazing opportunity to be a movie star.

I started this year leaving England behind with unrealistic expectations of how it would be over here whilst I had my secret world waiting for me back home, the secret that I was having to keep but the secret I would always hold if it meant never losing everything that truly mattered. Then there was my new reputation that I was going to create for myself, the movie bad boy on screen and the unattainable lad off screen, the green eyed lad with the perfect dimples when he smiles that the girls would be desperate to be with, while my contract unofficially stated that I must hopelessly and harmlessly flirt with my co-star leading them to believe we were secretly desiring each other when in fact I couldn't wait to get back home to my perfect girl who couldn't be more different to the always serious blonde I was being forced to spend every moment of my current life with.

Now I am four months in, and instead of what I thought was going to be my reality I have lost my fiancée with no chances that I can see of correcting my mistakes and winning her back, not now that I have forced her to kill her baby.

My dreams had since been filled with memories of how we used to be and with scenes of what we could have been or maybe what we still could be, for the three weeks following that final conversation with her she was all I could think about, the day Freddie had told me she was booked in for the termination I had lifted my phone up from the table in front of me before placing it back down again. Throughout the hours that had led up to that appointment time my arm had continued to rise and fall as I recapped over photographs and videos of us, looking at her contact on my screen desperately wanting to hear her voice tell me once more that the baby was mine and that we could work it out, but with each lift of my hand I had looked at my reflection in the blank locked screen remembering why I had said those words to her, my heart heavy and filled with regret, I then forced the dreams of us being able to raise that baby together out of my mind and focused on the fact I had doubted her I had accused her of unforgivable things and I had made it very clear that we couldn't do this and as much as my heart told me she wasn't Jade and the baby I had forced a death sentence upon was in fact my own, I had to believe what my head kept screaming out to me because I don't think I could live with the fact I had done that to my own child or to my Emily.

Over the last couple of months, the Mboys group chat has been quieter than ever and I feel like some of the conversations are coded in the hope of me not having a clue on what they are discussing and that does not sit right with me that actually pisses me off more than I will ever let those fuckers know.

Each day when I check in to see what they are up to back there it feels like it has turned into a case of she who shall not be named is hovering over the whole chat and although some of the boys are still chatting when I do send in a message of "Hi" some things are still not quite the same with them, their replies are short and like they are holding back on so many details about the things that are really going on in their lives like I don't matter anymore like I'm not the fucking leader of our group, they seem to have forgotten who is number one.

I used to spend my free time between filming trying to catch up with everyone back home the boys are usually in groups hanging out which was making it easier for me and my parents were the only people from my family who I have spoken to since I got here, both of my siblings opting that I am indeed the devil for daring to break up with Emily so I could chase my dreams, so I can only imagine what they are feeling about me now as I am fully aware that my demands of her having the termination have reached them and that has just solidified my crumbling relationship with them. I mean to be honest Mercy has been against me since it came out, I was fucking Ava behind Emme's back, so it is not much loss, but my brother was still there for me especially after my head injury but this time I have not heard shit from him, and I am not going to make the first move not now anyway.